Praying

I prayed the whole rosary for you
hail mary 50 times over
repetition with intense concentration
praying for you to be conceived
God answered my prayer

now I pray for something else
I pray for you to live
I pray for you to be born
child so innocent and harmless
I pray you grow to be strong
God holds your future in his hands
please don't fade away
don't become a miscarriage
stay with us child
until you are made ready for the world.
I will pray for you until you are born.

Happy

Christmas is a day that I don't usually think a lot about.
I think about it now.
He works his way into your heart and thaws all the ice around it
I will walk with him to the end of the earth
he has me in his hands and he's holding me up to the sun
he created life in something that used to be dead
he made me feel something I haven't felt in many years
I'm Happy.

White Dove

I can sense the grace inside you
a spirit so thin and weightless
what keeps you flying?
Where do you go?
I see you stand with black birds on a powerline
you stand out like sun rays in a dull grey sky
God put something in you
built your wings and beak
you sing to me and to all that can hear you
I want to sing too.

This struck me

A Time for Everything

1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,

3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,

4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,

5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,

7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,

8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

The Spirit In Me

It erases the black clouds around my head
clears my eyes and all my senses
I speak truth with holy conviction
I feel the power that it bestows upon me

I feel light and weightless
I no longer fear that which I don't understand
I follow step for step up a steep path

When I trip I do not fret
for I am still on the path to salvation
I can see the other paths from where I am

all lit up like the Las Vegas strip
they dance and rattle bones while they walk
the fear hasn't hit them yet

on my narrow path I am being tested
I feel the reward in my soul
the cracks in my heart are filled in with clay

I feel the spirit
now it's mine

Blue and Green

I am a tiny spectrum
I take up space
I'm told I have a purpose
it must be too simple for me to notice
I just can't make a decision
it physically hurts me to let anyone down
want to know how I spend my saturdays?
I sit in a room with the radio on and read the bible.
The sinner's life is much more fun, crazier, unpredictable
I shed my skin already.
Time to enjoy this new life I've been given.

Stagnant

I am an immovable object
a ticking time bomb
I am on self-distruct mode every day
they walk around like they're walking on eggshells
I'm weak but I found endurance somewhere
God seems less far away.
I see him reaching out his hand
I wonder if he can lead me in the right direction.
I might be a prophet
everything will be answered in time
right now I should just walk around blind with faith as my only guide
is it supposed to work like that?

Waiting

When you're in line
you forget who you are
you're taught to be a number
when you're in line

did I miss the answer?
It was close enough to touch
yanked away by someone
I felt it with my fingertips.
Now it's gone.

Conflict

I can't see straight
pills took my eyesight
water doesn't quench the thirst
I feel more than ever
she'll find me.
I won't hide this time.

The Wind

The wind blows through me
shakes my bones
all the thoughts in my head go with it
it stirs me up
and lays me upside down

It takes me from where I was
and shows me where I should be
I float like I weigh an ounce
the wind carries me along

I'm nothing but sand
just particles of glass
it parts me and collects me
pieces that don't go together

What It Feels Like

I feel like a thousand eyes are watching me.
Every move I make has to be calculated, I always have to be ready.
One of these days they're gonna say something or do something to clue me in.
Like they have some fucking plan to capture me or make me do what they want me to.
I feel paranoid, and I feel the strain
Once I leave their presence I feel like I'm safe again.
I feel like a cop or something.
I think they think I'm watching them.
I am.

Void

I'm going to fill that void
with things
with objects
with materials
with anything I can get my hands on
I'm gonna fill that void
I want new clothes
I want new rims
I want a new shiny life with no problems
I want everything handed to me in a shiny silver box
I want a job
I want money
I'm gonna fill that void

She Lies

Sometimes she lies for no reason
words spill out like ants from an antpile
crawl all over you
eat you up

it's easy when she lies
it flows like music and she almost believes it
it's like a damned art that nobody's a fan of
she hates herself when she lies
she hates herself she when she doesn't

she lies to make the pieces of her puzzle fit together
she's a hologram of a human being
all air no substance
you can't fill her in with words
she's frozen and incapable

and when she lies to you
it fills you up like wine
you're drunk on it
you love what she says
it give you everything you need
until the lies run out

there's an ugly truth behind the lies
a scarred and broken face
if you'd only look behind the mirror
looked through the cracked lines in the surface to what lies beneath
you'd see her there
looking up at you horrified

sometimes the lie makes you a villain
she thinks she's a hero sometimes
she thinks she's saving people from herself
that broken monster that she hides away from

and the lies become part of her soul
part of her being
and it scares her
it becomes easier to lie every time you say it

and she cares
somewhere deep down inside she cares
but the core is calloused and hard
and if you were to break it there'd be nothing inside
she has no self esteem
no real image of herself

sometimes she comes inside of you and changes you
makes you into her
you become the monster behind the mirror
because sometimes when I stare at her
I see myself reflected
it scares me every time

my greatest fear is
one day I'll wake up
and what I'll see
will be her world of lies
all of her lies will become truth
and what a horrible world that would be!

inverted and perverse
and you hang on the half truths and freudian slips
because maybe you think
maybe there's a human somewhere inside the wreckage
but that's all rotted away.

Rate of Success

I calculate it slowly
day by fucking day
and it always seems like I'm going in circles
things happen
but not to me

is it sick to wish you were ill with something?
incapacitated, laying in a hospital waiting to die?
a part of me wants that
I can't deny that I would enjoy the attention
I hate that about myself

how close did I get to death?
I really wish I could know
the machines beeped a thousand times
I was monitored and weak
my thoughts were scrambled like eggs
I want that to happen again

but I tried to repeat it and it wasn't the same
all I got was charcoal to drink and a worried mother
I regret being alive in the first place

and it wasn't even my choice
I wasn't given a choice to live this life
God supposedly gave me this great gift
I feel like it's a curse that I have to live out
like every day is just slow torture
I've lost my mind before
if only I could lose it again
that's real freedom
you're not tied down by anything

I don't want responsibility
I want to rot like a corpse
what I want is to die of natural causes
very very soon.
That's what I really want.
So it's not my fault and I don't have to be punished for it.
My aunt's dodged the bullet so many times
I want the bullet to hit me
I'm just tired of living
and I think sometimes I convince myself I'm happy
but the fact is I'm miserable
and I whine because it's the only thing I can do.
I want to make a point.

Home

Home is where
my house is still standing
the back room is ruined
the tree is destroyed

home is where
the power was out
we took cold showers
we sweat like pigs

White Whale

it stacks up on you
the feeling in your bones
you feel like you're losing a fight
there's an invisible enemy
pushing and pulling you along
the things I remember might not be right
my memory's damaged since most of it happened
I still think about it
it's a secret I keep to myself
I torture myself with my memories
I worry about things that might never happen
in a way I wouldn't be surprised if they did

Bashed

Boom crash
and our house falls down
water rises
my house drowns
down comes the rain
washes us away
there goes my city

Telemetry

Telemetry differs from technopathy in that it is a manipulation of waves instead of technology. The user acts as their own internet hub, allowing them to sift through the internet and radio waves with their mind. Furthermore, they can manipulate existing waves and create their own, giving them the ability to communicate with any computer or radio on the fly, regardless of whether it has a working connection or not.

I suppose I can do this, or at least I've been somewhat successful, but I can't control it very well. I changed phones too, so I'm wondering if that will affect my ability to send messages. Only time will tell I guess.

Blank

my mind is empty
cobwebs in there
I have yet to clean it out
one day
I will have a brain
I will make decisions that make sense
as of right now
I fly by the seat of my pants
that's a weird expression.

I wanna see who actually visits this thing

So I put a tracker on the site.
If nobody visits it, I'll make it private again.
Then I can find out if anyone actually reads this shit.

Seizure

And the emotions get to me
it rains on my head wherever I go
and sometimes I feel like I'm going to get sucked inside that void
it's going to eat me up inside
the acid will wear through my stomach
I want to drink antifreeze
lay down and die
secretly

I'm tired

my mind slows down to a crawl
eyes weigh 10 pounds each
I want to sleep
but yet
my mind
screams at me to stay awake

A Brain On Fire

Read my blog about daily life.

Excitement

Just like a sugar pill
it sizzles in my mouth
the feeling of excitement
that rush of anticipation
blows your hair back with it's force

and you wait for more
maybe it's a shiny toy
maybe it will keep me happy for just a little while
but it will make me happy

maybe not forever
I'm distracted
I want to focus on something good
it turns in my stomach
twists like a knife

I'm excited

I Feel Better Now

That things are more private
I have more things to myself
nobody prying into my business
my inner most feelings

better than being exposed
now I can be as crazy as I want
when I want
and I don't have to worry about being judged

that is if this private thing even works.
It could be just a placebo.
Everyone in the world could be reading my blog right now.

Invade

My private space is my own
don't step into my life like you own it
don't walk into my world like you belong in it
I don't want you here

I need to be alone
I don't need a babysitter
I don't need to be monitored and watched
I feel like I'm in a fish tank

don't watch me to see if I'm safe
I know you care but leave me alone
I don't need you to care
I need you to butt out

Can't Turn Around

At this rate
I feel like I'm going 1,000 miles per hour
things aren't so bad
I don't feel suicidal this time

if this keeps going
I might get optimistic
perhaps I'll have hope for a brighter future
not everything got burned in the fire

eventually
it's gonna overtake me
I'm gonna feel alright
maybe even good about something

I still have an invisible bruise on my arm
it only hurts when I push it
I'm going to try and find a bible tutor
maybe they'll teach me a couple things about myself I didn't know

I don't think I'm that bad a person
I've been through some rough shit but I've survived intact
I'm not too damaged
I'm not a drug addict or a prostitute
I think that constitutes a pat on the back or some congratulations

my aunt crashed her car
I'm worried about her
nobody in my family is talking to her
I have no idea why
people are poisonous

When it comes down to it
I think everybody's greedy
I thought I had good chances but really
when I think about it
it's all up to chance

I've been watching christian television
it makes the anxiety go away
that twisting feeling in my stomach fades
I can give it credit for that

I want to get to the point where God talks to me
tells me to do things and what decisions to make
I want to recognize the voice of God
distinguish it from my own voice

I tried sending a message today
I think I was successful
he tried calling a number but got no one
you can't call my brain technically

I wonder what I told him
probably things that didn't make sense
they're usually fragments of thought

I wonder what part of my brain controls the messages?
It's not my conscious mind controlling it that I know
I do have a bit of control over it now though
I have to focus for me to send a message

it sends out to random people though
usually the first person I see that has a cellphone
I don't know if it makes any difference in their lives
it's made me a believer in the supernatural
I wonder what our brains can do if we only were to push them

I managed to crawl over one of the walls in my brain to get this ability
I could probably gain more if I kept pursuing it
but right now I'm happy with what I've got
for people who are curious enough maybe it'll strengthen their faith

maybe if people know that there are people like me out there it'll make them feel better
people with gifts walking this earth
I don't know if it was that lunar eclipse
or the overdose
that triggered my abilities

all I know is
after I got out of the hospital
things were different
I could do things other people couldn't do

I could get into people's heads
they could hear me talk to them
I'd bring people to tears
bring people to peace
I had the holy spirit in my pocket
and I was carrying it with me

I wonder what made that happen
is it because I got saved?
I distinctly remember when it happened
I was walking the dog and it just hit me
I started crying
and I felt it, that deep sorrow

and I repented
and God talked to me.
He told me not to make so many demands
he told me not to thank him so much and to just do what he said
I put all kinds of conditions on him talking to me
but he just did whatever he wanted to in the end.

I guess I've got a problem if I'm trying to boss God around
but people in the bible did the exact same thing
I should try to be a better person
stop sinning so much

he's turned around so many things in my life
forgiven me and then shown me so much mercy
I owe him so much
and I can take the magic out of everything
say everything's just chance and coincidence

but I don't like to think so
I want to believe there are people and spirits out there
and that some things just can't be explained

I made the decision to believe in a higher power
nobody can fault me for that
I refuse to be backed into a corner for believing in something

They say

Hell plays music of sorrow to make people kill themselves
that there are organs that play night and day
telling you that you aren't worth it
that nobody loves you
that you're better off dead

that's what I've heard.

One man said he saw them
churning out their sad pitiful song
luring people in by the thousands
and I think
the devil is that fine detail in the fabric
that little snag
that ruins everything good about it.
I wonder if everytime it thunders God is acknowledging my presence
I'm self absorbed in that way.
I think I'm kind of needy sometimes
that I cling to objects and things because I feel that they're all I have
I pray sometimes
probably not enough
but when I do I'd like to think I mean it.
A woman on tv was talking about hell and how she visited it with Jesus
and I wonder
if that truly happened to her
if she wasn't just being delusional or dreaming or making it up
why her?
Why did God choose to show her hell and noone else?
Why do none of the stories add together and make sense?
Hell is so subjective I think
different for you and different for me
and if you try to go there
you're only going to get your own skewed version of the place
it's not what everyone else will see.
And then it's natural to want to believe the Jews
to believe in purgatory
a natural waiting place to atone for your sins
I wonder what punishment believing in a messiah like Jesus would have for a gentile
if he isn't what he claimed to be?
And then I wonder
is it possible to see God
to feel him
when you're just a human being
a tiny unimportant dot on this earth?
We're under God's big fish eye
looking in our lives and our hearts
and judging us.
Everyday deciding if we're worth saving.
It's scarier to believe in Jesus sometimes than it is just to believe in nothing.
But I think you have a better chance if you believe than if you didn't.
I think it's worth something to risk yourself by believing in Jesus and telling other people.
You don't want to look foolish and that's a huge problem.
You don't want to look like you're weak or lame because God has a big part in your life.
It's almost a curse to believe in anything.
But I still think it's worth it.

Captive

at home with nothing to do
trapped in my head almost
lost in the lack of thought
interesting numbness as the meds kick in
I feel like I stood up and suceeded
and then fell back down again
I swallowed my fate and it did no good
ended up with charcoal and IV fluid
looking for a second chance and not a way out
this time I'm sticking to my promise
I'm devout
when I find the time to listen to whatever he has to say
I'm sure he'll tell me everything I need to hear
I just want to see my father again
I miss him and I'm sure he's worried to death
my arm has an invisible bruise where the IV went in
it hurts like a reminder of what I did
to look at me once won't tell you a thing
I'm a question mark
a mysterious being
and I wonder what purpose
I'll have in this life
God's plan is so confusing
it's hard to stay within the lines
because one day its simple
you blow through it with ease
but the other days are impossible
they'll bring you to your knees
and I'm wondering where I will be
just a week from now
my mind is scattered to the wind
I need to sit down and rewind

A Letter to God

I'm struggling.
This whole blog is for you.
I feel like I don't have it in me
that I don't have what it takes to succeed.
I want to get far, but I don't have the strength it takes.
I need your help, though it's hard to admit.
I've struggled and sank to my deepest depths without you.
Come through for me.
I feel so distant from you
distant from my goals
I feel like you're pulling away
I want you to come back into my life again.
I promise many things
make threats and tempt you
disobey you and turn on you
but I yearn to be valuable to you.
I want to use my abilities to help your cause
I want to prove you to other people.
I pray, honestly and desperately,
that you give me the opportunity to prove my love for you.
Opportunities to prove my loyalty
I want to make you proud of me.
I'm not perfect, but you are.
And with you on my side I can never lose
this is my silent appeal for your help
a grain of sand tossed into the sea
I pray you hear what I'm saying and believe me
I pray that your hand touches my life and turns me into a better person.
I want to change. I want to give up living a life of denial and just move on through you.
You sent your only son to save me from my sin.
I want to devote my life to you and him
wash my hands of my selfishness and materialism
I've been through hell and back
tasted death and seen miracles
I've tried to be a hero
but I've failed.
Through you I can succeed.
Through you I can gain the ability to overcome my life's obstacles
I want you to heal my life
I want you to take away this pain I feel and replace it with your love.
I feel so needy right now but I'm being as honest as I can.
You tell me to write to you and this is what I'm doing
as embarrassing as it might be I need your help.
I'm close to getting in trouble
I need you to cleanse me of my sin
help me start anew.
I know that only you can give me a second chance
I've decided that I am going to defend your name
I am going to do great things in your name
help those who need help
I don't want these to be empty promises
I want to do what I say
You've opened a door for me and I want to step through
I feel like the shackles that have been holding me down can be broken
All I need is faith in you to turn my life around.
I am just a lamb
a pawn in a chess game
take my soul and make it supernatural
take my life and make it spiritually fruitful
look at all you've given me
I don't appreciate it like I should,
but I will from now on.
Today I do.
And I promise
I swear on my own life
that I won't ever give up on you
just like you've never given up on me.
I'm speaking this from the bottom of my heart.
I'm being as open as I possibly can.
Help me.

Dizzy

I feel like I'm on the verge
of a disaster
it makes me anxious
my stomach twists and turns with fear
I think of all the people I'll disappoint
people I've already let down
it makes me sick
in 10 years where will I be?
Still living with my parents?
Scraping by with little to my name?
I'm not very lucky.
I need something to give me hope
I need an inner voice to guide me
maybe I've just been ignoring it
maybe all the answers are right in front of me.
I'm avoiding the inevitable
this whole dream I have
it's already started crashing down

Quitting

I just give up sometimes
throw in the towel
it's easy to do but the consequences
the missed chances
they're hard to deal with
I wonder if I made the right decision
I was destined to fail but...
if I had just tried harder
not given up so easy
I probably would have been better off.
I have no emotional stamina
once I hit a road block I crash and burn
it's cost me a lot in my life so far
I didn't get into the school I wanted to get in
my life turned into a rollercoaster
are things getting better?
I can't even tell anymore.
So here I sit on my couch
wasting my time thinking about dropping that class
the people that I let down
I disappoint myself so much sometimes
giving up is my fault
but it's hardwired into my brain almost
and this lying thing
I've seriously got to work on that.
These little drops in the bucket are gonna fill it one day
and where am I gonna dump it all out?

Storm

There's a storm overhead
it doesn't rage on
it'll flood the city
maybe ruin the island
there's more coming
perhaps one day soon
there'll be another Katrina
this time perhaps
Houston will drown
where will we go?
Our home will be gone
my things
my clothes
We're doomed I think
but I don't think about it much
aren't you happy it was them instead of you?
This world's gonna eat itself alive.

Failure

I had everything planned.
Simple, effective, easy to follow
this plan didn't work
I gave up
just threw everything down,
crossed my arms
and quit.
It was too easy to do.
I wonder if I ever wanted it at all.
What do I want?
I want the benefits of success without any of the hard work
that never happens.
Maybe I'll win the lottery.
I have the same chances of winning that as
having the ability to send text messages with my mind
it could happen.
It won't but it could.
I think if everyone took risks like that
we'd all be dead.
I'm a failure I think
I thought about killing myself the other day
taking too much of one of my pills and overdosing again.
I didn't do it. (Obviously)
One of these days I might be braver
if I eat those pills with the intention of just having an overdose
and I die instead will I go to hell?
Is there hell?
There isn't if you believe the jews.
I don't know who or what I believe.
The other day I was imagining what it would have been like to be Jesus.
What kind of mindset did Jesus have?
Nothing that came out of his mouth was his own--
it was like he was a shell that functioned only to serve God.
I would think that would be quite difficult to do
of course he never complained,
but I think there were times that he wished it wasn't him.
Did he pity us?
I want to ask him.
Maybe one day I'll get the chance.

Broadcast

I have to find them
one by one
they're hidden from me
I know there are people in this city
people like me
I can't be crazy
its impossible to ignore
I wonder if they'll follow
as they did before?
if I met one
what would I say?
we're both the same!
I'd scream at the top of my lungs
they scare me and thrill me
they were searching for me
calling department stores
searching, finding
I slipped away
that was months ago
maybe I'll show them
something they've never seen before
I can do it, I know I can
I just have to focus
I belong in this city
born and raised
I think I'll see the end
maybe I'll be a part of it
but I'll fight
harder than the rest
I'll be a leader
searching for the truth
find me if you can

History

when things get too close
I run
when things get too hard
I run
it's all I know how to do
who's piloting this ship?
I don't feel like I'm in charge
I'll hit an iceberg
sink to the bottom of the ocean
then I won't have to make any more decisions.

Word Association

Generally
when I think about it
I don't care about very much
I don't want anybody dead
I'm not amazingly in love with anyone
and my life is pretty predictable now
it used to be a ball of crazy of course
but numbingly boring isn't much of an improvement
atleast I'm not doing anymore of my driving adventures
getting lost in a city and finding your way home isn't as fun as it might sound
you see weird things though
underage drinkers
drivers with DRXXX on their license plate
I don't think I imagined that one
I remember standing in the parking lot of a kroger at 2am
freezing cold
waiting for something
(I didn't know what)
I'm a cat.
I have nine lives.
This isn't even close to a poem.

I Feel

useless
undefined
unfocused

I want to be bold
I want to be a hero
I want to stand up and declare
what I say matters
and I want people to listen

I am

angry
unfocused
introverted

and I don't want to be
I feel like I was meant to be more
special in some way
and I guess everyone's special
but can't one star shine a little bit brighter in the night sky?
and I've been through so much
I feel I deserve to be more special than most

is that so wrong?

Life

one day I'm gonna break these walls
I'll climb over them with ease
and make my way past with no second thought
I'll have no regrets
things to look forward to
accomplishments and accolades
right now
I'm trapped in here
forced to think the same thoughts
forced to go down the same path of self-destruction
and when I think about it
wanting is not the same as doing
and I wonder if I can break down those walls
or if I'll remain trapped in here
beating on the walls
never free again

A Weird Type of Suicide

if I were suicidal
I'd bite into a rotten jalapeno
and hope it was infected with salmonella
thing is
I hate jalapenos

Vanity and Stress

I've been thinking about the day
inevitable it seems
the day that I'll crack
like porcelain again

they'll send me back
to the hospital room
lock me away
pump me with drugs

it looms over me
that shadow of doubt
taints my every move
marks my every word

and one day
when they catch me
I'll wither away
crumble to dust

the wind will carry me away

Time

in these moments
time seems to pass by
slowly and painfully
like molasses
seeping out of the day
and you squeeze out what you can
but when it comes down to it
all you get is
minutes ticking by
as you count down
till the day is over

Tar Heel

it came suddenly
with an awesome force
nearly knocked me over
that's how strong it was
I couldn't feel anything
I was mentally numbed
my voice droned on
my mind hummed with thoughts
and all I knew was
perhaps somehow
I had been changed
it gave my life meaning again
I felt valuable
worthy of living
and those upcoming nights
were the most magical nights I'd ever seen.

Something I realized

A lot of my poetry is bipolar ramblings. I read it sometimes and I can't even follow what I'm talking about. Nobody reads this page and I have no idea how 160 people have viewed my profile (it was probably me) but it's interesting to read how out of my head I was. This blog isn't very reader friendly. I have a hole in my head that all my thoughts come out, and somehow they get onto this web page. So therefore I find a lot of my "poems" to be hilarious. So don't feel bad if you've laughed at them too. They make NO sense. I don't think they have to.

A Fire Inside

What does it feel like?
It feels like larvae in my stomach
twisting and squirming around
there are tingles up and down my spine
goosebumps on my flesh
it feels like I'm waiting for something
some sign
when I know one isn't coming
that ah hah moment
when things snap into place
and it all makes sense
I don't want to try anymore.
I look at the veins in my arms
blue under my flesh
if I cut into them
they'd bleed so readily
but I don't want to die that way
I suppose I haven't given up yet
I'm still drowning in it
fighting the current of my emotions
I guess that's a good thing
people would miss me
where would I go?
Down to hell I suppose
I'd never see Andy again
and that's enough to keep me alive.
That feeling isn't going to go away--
the larvae I mean
they'll keep squirming around
till I completely lose my mind (if I haven't already)
I'm in this hole of depression
this pit of quicksand
and the more I fight it
the more I sink.
I want super human powers
I want to save the world
from what?
I have no idea.
There are others out there
who feel like me
I know they're there
drifting from day to day
I want to find them
have them on my side.
Maybe I can send them a message
one of these days they'll ask the right question
and I'll have the answer for them.
I suppose in a way
that's saving the world.

Trying to find him

he's that needle in the haystack
I'm looking for him
and I can't find him
it frustrates me.
Makes me anxious
I want to drive to his work
and tell him to go out with me
I think he's gorgeous
kind and sensitive
I like him a lot
in fact I think I've always liked him
the other guys are old news
if only I could get the nerve
to ask him for his number
one of these days
I'm gonna make myself up an excuse to go to his restaurant
sit down
and order myself a boyfriend

El-Sike

I realized that maybe this space could be used for something more informative than poetry. El-sike is the ability to telepathically link to machines or electromagnetic devices and communicate with them. I have noticed that around me certain people have gotten strange text messages from an unlisted number that is disconnected. After listening to people talk about it and hearing them read these messages aloud I realized that a lot of them were pertaining to me even to the point of a reference to my father's truck and the fact that I was at the library the day before. All of these circumstances have lead me to believe that I have the ability to send messages to a cellphone with my mind with very little effort. While I have worked on controlling this ability with mild success, it seems to be controlled by my subconscious as I do not know what messages I am sending or what I'm saying. Apparently if you text message the number it will respond and that they also describe what mood the person is in (referring to my empathic abilities). I am very curious to find if anyone else has this ability or something like it but so far the only thing I've been able to find on the subject is the name for the ability and a description of what it is. The name was very possibly coined by Ron Hubbard so that also leaves me a little suspicious. I've no idea why this has happened to me--perhaps the overdose tripped something in my mind? But it has slowed down a bit. At one point I was even followed around because the text messages were telling people my location. I've even been confronted about my ability by several people which leads to the solid determination that I do have this ability and that it will not go away. I've had the ability for approximately 4 or 5 months now and while I used to send messages almost everywhere I went it seems to have slowed down to about 1 a day. I've even sent messages to the police and firemen in my local area. It completely amazes me that I can do these things and leads me to believe in other abilities people may have because now I know that the mind is capable of doing things we previously had no idea it could do.

I'm Nervous

It bubbles in my stomach
twists my guts
churns and churns inside
making me unsure
I feel excited in a bad way
I want to run
I want to escape
it'll be over before I know it
it's like a 5 minute death
and it's inevitable
the other shoe will drop
and there I'll sit
shoeless and still nervous
my back aches
my head spins
floating above while counting down
minutes seconds
until I have to stand up there
and talk about nothing
I'm nervous.

Midnight

It creeps in
like liquid in your veins
suddenly overwhelming you
making you weightless
the night rolls in
black cut through by moonlight
cascading over spirits
whirling around outside
I sense their presence
feel their energy
it washes over me like rain

What I Remember

There were flashing lights in my living room
maybe from the overdose
they were almost tangible to me
pulsing like they were breathing
watching me while I rolled my eyes in my skull
and gyrated on the couch
sending out signals to God knows who
thinking I was a robot or a radio
and while I laid on the hospital bed
I remember thinking I was dying
I felt the needle in my arm
and the electrodes made my machine beep up and down the hall
my thoughts were scattered like sand
I felt numb and brainless laying there
I couldn't move my limbs so I just laid on my bed
I would have fallen asleep if the beeping wasn't so damn loud
the ems drivers stayed with me, believed me
one had just started speaking spanish the day before out of nowhere
I spoke it to him in the ambulance
it was all my scrambled brain could understand
I know they remember me and think about me
they thought I was otherworldly and special
I had just tumbled off the edge of sanity
gripping on the ledge with a leisurely hand
and maybe if I had the choice I'd do it again
just to feel the panic one more time
it was when I laid in that hospital bed
my mother feeding me ice
that I felt the most alive
my heart was screaming in my chest
I could hear the blood beating in my ears
and maybe God was in that hospital room
because the room felt electric
pulsating like the lights
and every sound I heard would echo in my head
my skin felt pliable and rubbery
there were black circles under my eyes
I had gone somewhere that night under the impression
that God was testing me
and that connection, that feeling
was as close to perfect as you could get
even though I was nearly insane
my manic mind processed things at lightning speed
I felt my entire body was separate from me
and I disconnected somehow--
just unplugged from the core
and in that hospital bed
I pulsed with the light
as graceful as one could be
under florescent lighting.
I was on stage.

Unsure, Unaware

I'm going out on a limb
gripping at empty air
hoping for a chance with
the queen unapproachable
touch of impossible
eyes of quicksilver
questioning glances
making me shiver
the thought of a chance with
a beauty like that
makes my brain twist and quiver
and my heart pitter pat
and I wonder if I have what
a girl would look for
my face isn't perfect
I might be a bore
but the chance still lingers
in front of my eyes
jump and risk falling
stand and fall away

Cutting

circulation in my brain
pops at the strain of thought
invades my sense of logic
breaks my concentration
tears at my self esteem
memories of a past I used to live
break into my state of mind
corrupt my future
sabotage my life
and one by one it all falls down
all these delicate plans I made
falter and fall away
like falling leaves
it becomes a fragment
a tiny piece of me

Wood Grain

science can't explain what I can do
the mind is powerful; doing things that seem impossible
reaching out to others through my thoughts
connecting to a source of energy unlimited by space and time
and I seem to have been chosen for something
I'm advanced
I can send out messages that others can recieve
and they've noticed
they're following, listening, waiting for commands
they're scared and willing
armies of followers
and all I have to do is reach out
send a message
and they listen.

How Many Times

You can scream without talking
your leaden legs stomp in every room
you bang every door
brazenly waltzing in
as if everyone there were waiting for you
I left as soon as I appeared
crawled in and ran out of your life
like a flash of light in your eye
and you expected it as if you thought
if you saw it coming it wouldn't happen so sudden
but it was like a broken leg
numb for awhile then burning and aching
your heart's in ice while I
try to deal with my emotions
you and I standing face to face
pushing and pulling
expanding and contracting
heart beats racing to drum beats
you're more convincing when you're drunk
rolling around in your stupor
then when you argue your position
sweat at your brow
concentration in your eyes
and you always mean to say something else
something more witty
charming
yet it comes out wrong more bitter than you meant it
you're terribly afraid of being embarrassed
and when I ask to leave the party
you laugh
the last thing you want to do is admit defeat
stumbling back to your old position
I had to carry you home

Prison

It's cozy in here
in my cushioned cage
no light no windows
just darkness inside
I scratch the walls
thick with confusion
my head spins and contorts
twisting and spiraling
deeper into the hole

I lay there in defeat
in the thickening dark
I'd pray to something
if I knew it would work
but the silence becomes me
as I become numb
something lifeless is what I've become

my cage is my home
I stir around
painful aches
and the pills
that calm the confusion
dull my brain down to nothing
thoughtless, emotionless;
a zombie

what was once bright and beautiful
is now dull and dark
lifeless and raw
it cuts to the bone
and rips at the seams

a life is now wasted
colorless and ugly
deformed and disgusting
there's still meat on the bone
but it sags in defeat

Hazard

on my chest lays a thousand bricks
all of various shapes and sizes
fitting together one by one
the weight almost a ton

I'm broken apart like a puzzle undone
strewn about all across the floor
you step on the parts and scatter them more
I wish I could be complete and more
than what I am to you

simple elation divine inspiration
emotion tactile and rough
I feel it rub against my flesh
my body yearns so deep for it

and on a bed of nails I wait
for the hands of time to deliver my fate
will I fail again? will it be too late?
I wonder if I can even fix my mistakes

and of course we fail as we always do
the machine breaks because of one missing screw

Unsure

All I remember
the memories are jagged and torn
like photographs
and if you asked me
if I knew her
I'd say no.
she's getting married
high hopes and presentation
I laugh because I know
somewhere deep inside her soul
lingers a tiny bit of doubt
squirming like a worm inside her belly
and he clutches her like a rag doll.
He owns her
he'll impregnate her
and they'll live dull lives
and when she thinks of me one night
while he fucks her
I hope she wishes it was me

She

lingers in the room
like the smell of cigarettes
so delicate
a flower petal
pink and thin
breakable soul within
those eyes so soft and brown
she covers them with sunglasses
shields herself from everything
I break through
too easily almost
inside the walls she's created
and maybe when she comes back
(as I know she will)
she'll have the answer
I've been waiting for her
I think she knows that I expect her
so she lingers
stalls
makes excuses in her mind
It gives me time to realize its what I want
I want to hold her maybe
let her know I care
I want to speak to her
let her know my voice
she'll find me
I have the sense she's searching
looking for me
its a dream come true
perhaps
to find one person wearing the same armor as I
trapped in this hypocritical mess
the middle world has become
she feels it
that goey center
enveloping all those who dare to touch it
it becomes me
the cancerous feeling
that I think there's nothing I can do
I've been waiting all my life for this moment
where I tell her
that she's my only hope of getting out of this hell hole

A Terrible Mess

You left me in shambles again
little pieces on the floor
rifle through my parts
to find what you were looking for

take your time
nobody notices when you slice a hole in my life
nobody cares when you're the monkey on my back
I'm squirming on the inside
you've cut straight to the bone again

take me to the cathedral
hold me on that high pedestal
I'll jump off again and again
I'm terribly hard to hold on to
I'm air and spirit flying around you

don't you want to control me?
Don't you want to be a part of me?
You can't and it kills you
you've become a monster
a killer
I don't want you
and who you once were
you're not
you've rotted like flesh
unrecognizable
dead

I wish it weren't true
but I'm a part of you
a naked fool in your deck of cards
just waiting to be tossed down on the table
I'm just a mess
a terrible mess
nobody's coming to clean me up this time again

Follow

You are the other side of my coin
flipping in the air
it lands on my side
everytime
it's never fair
and oh you wish that you were here not there
I bet you want to go back
feel your flesh contract across your bones
but you are gone
six feet underground
you're dust and dirt
not boy like you once were
and how I wish to make you whole again
how I wish that I could have you as my friend
to hold captive in my lion's den
your soul slips away like sand in my hands
you follow me to where I stand today
I can't become you I can't be perfect
you died young crushed underfoot
and I remember you
I still do
years after it happened to you
and all I want to do is bring you back
I would give anything for that

Brand New Eyes

When I wake up
I'll fix myself
like an old clock
I'll rearrange myself
I'll see the world
with brand new eyes
and turn on you

when I go to sleep
I'll think of you
and when I dream
I'll walk with you
to the farthest place in my mind

When I speak
I'll speak of you
with faith in my soul
and love in my heart
I will not
fall apart
break down
I won't

I'll remember what you said
live life now before you're dead
you never know what evil lurks in your head
I'll remember it
and when I think of you
what do I think of besides love and fear?
I'm scared of you perhaps
but in a good way
I watch you work
for you it's play
they know all about me now
they know who I am
I'm simply a part of the plan
the greater plan
so I'll take these brand new eyes
and see
a new world around me
with a light evershining
He shines the light for me
in the darkness and the light
I know not where I'm going
but I know when I get there
I won't be alone

Essence

at the core of me
I am nothing
but nerve endings and flesh
bone and blood
guts and brains
the essence of my soul
is thick and effervecent
shining through the darkness
no matter how deep
I'll shine with or without you
at least I think
I'll be just fine
and when it comes down to it
I don't have to see you to know you're there
lurking somewhere
thinking of me
I believe in you
our captivity knows no bounds
but in a sense we're free
living in a different mental plane
a different vibration
expressing emotions in a universal way
through color taste and sound
you're tactile ground
on which I walk

Wounded

I want to lay in fields of wheat
the feeling of nothingness under me
heavenly dirt beneath my feet
I want it to be a part of me

I need the air to fill my lungs
need my eyes to adjust to the sun
brighter than I can even imagine
I need to breathe

I am a car crash
laying at the scene of the crime
skin folding and unfolding
mouth opening and closing
I have begun

I am spinning downward
arms outstretched
I feel the gravity pulling at my chest
the weight on my shoulders falls off at last
I am at rest in the grass

Deep Inside

run your fingers up and down the edge
nick your finger on it
the knife of insincerity
has the sharpest edge you've ever seen
she cuts you deep
slicing
she doesn't want you to weep
she wants you to feel it
its razor sharp teeth
you lay in your blood
its deep red tint
paints your face
and dyes your clothes
the nightmare is real
she did the crime
this time she got away
and all you can say is
"It could've been worse."
she could have loved you
but that would be against the nature of the beast
the taste and stench of humanity
you reek of it
she can't just write you off this time
she can't take you out of her mind
its real to her a dream to you
she wants to feel what's inside of you
wants to curl her fingers into your flesh
breathe you in
you are a cage she wants to live in
it devours her
she desires it
and you can only wait for her
with your colt .45 and your fancy high hopes
she won't bleed from that bullet hole
bang.

Angels

What do you wish to do with me?
My life lies in your hands
tormented as I am I can only wait
for the judgment passed that seals my fate
I live so slowly from day to day
in the hopes that I will find
an angel waiting in the wings
to take me to the light
but when I close my eyes to sleep
the rest doesn't come easy for me
the dreams shudder and moan and scream
am I the only one who knows
the direction that the wind must blow?
My faith has surely made me blind
I struggle to be released from the sins that bind
my limbs ache and tremble in fear
I know for sure the end is near
I'll find that place that slit in time
when rotten fruit grow on the vine
and angels speak not of the truth
but lies that grow right from the root

The River

The river runs deep
curving and twisting inside of me
water that's thick and cleansing
skin that's smooth and thin
veins that tangle inside my limbs

the river runs deep
current strong and overpowering
I try to cross
and I'm pulled along
tumbling and drowning

the river runs deep
goes on for miles
I float and watch the earth fly past
as the river urges me on

I lay back
let the water rush over my head
hold my breath
and let the current pull me under

I hit a rock
the world goes black
and then I know
I am the river
the river runs deep

This Gift

its not normal
to do what I can do
messages lost in time
things that I bring to you
its not human
to have this ability
or is it normal evolution?
this city knows me
as I know its winding streets
they are all amazed
they know so little
things will unravel
in time I'm sure
all the pieces of the puzzle
will fall into place
one day I'll arrive
at my destination
look around and know
that all I did
and all the work
wasn't in vain

What do I believe?

when I question myself
when I look real deep
I see a deep unexplainable fear in me
I'm searching for something I can't see
but yet I need

I have this wanderlust
a desire to roam
I'm a stray dog
without a home

and when I think
of what I've done
made a fake masterpiece
with hope and a gun

I'll bring up a memory
deep in my head
regress back to childhood
before I wished I was dead

bring back that little boy
you used to be
before the steel monster
rolled over you and me

Old spirit

you are my other half
you are my serenity
you are my secret
my life
my everything
you are my sister
you are my friend
my love
my breath
you are my Saviour
you are my faith
my silence
my single escape

believe in me
I crackle like a flame
flint rocks striking
sparks fly by
we'll stay the same
forever bound
guide me again
and again
and again

Blackhaired Girl

You flash in and out
like a memory
distant and broken
yet calling to me
I hear you whisper
"save my life"
I'm fighting so hard now
I feel I have the right
you question my motives
your trust has been broken
not by me
I haven't spoken

I feel your presence
all around
your energy consumes me
blinds me and compounds
till it reaches the point
that I have no choice
I live in plain sight
visible and plain
velvet blankets
brushed against the grain
I see you so clearly
now in my mind
asking me questions
you take me for a ride

I want to sit in your porche
take those lines off your face
I would never use you
or abuse you
you and I are the same
we're both capsized ships
in the same old port
I'll take you to land
sit with you on the shore

we can take it slow
one day at a time
I communicate through other means
you listen all the time
I use my strength to make you see
magic is real and its inside of me

Fragment

My spirit is a hole
wide empty and black
I need something to fill it
to take up the slack

between you and I
there lies an army
of disenchanted soldiers
hoping for a fight

I pray for silence
and utter understanding
of this puzzle that surrounds me
in my everyday life

I speak in riddles
lurk in shadows
I want an answer
that I'll never find

is he out there somewhere
lost at sea?
I can feel him calling out to me
suddenly
he hiccupped back tears
as he looked at me
I walked away
I couldn't do a thing

I want him in my world
this mysterious boy
covered in blue and grey
aura so clear
I want to help him
clear his head

take that shiny halo and
wear it for awhile
where do you go?
when you don't want to leave?
I can feel your ghost
following me

Weakness

its in my bones
this growth
an insecurity so deep
you could never extract it
I look in the mirror
to see a face I don't recognize
so lost in confusion
I suppose its in my eyes
I search high and low
for what I don't know
waiting for signs
from angels in the skies
that may or may not exist
I walk on this plane
try to keep myself sane
my head in the sky
the clouds taste like cane sugar
on my tongue

It Isn't Just Me

I can sense you
feel you
tingling my spine
the urge to complete the work I've started
late but not lost
I want to deliver you
sit for a minute
and talk for awhile
you doubt me so completely
it kills my soul
oleander petals
white as snow
wait for the chimes
that in the silence provides
a distraction against
the deafening sound of silence
sit still and feel
the vibrations of angels
whispering your name
silently pleading
for you to answer
the ghosts of the past
whisper aloud
remember! remember!
awakened now
a quiet voice
answers their pleas
talk to me
talk through me
make me bleed
I am Crystal
I am peace
love
silence
doves
do I amaze you?
I simplify what can't be explained away.
I am the catch-22
that question unanswered
that dream that reveals
those images that cross your brain
do not be frightened
I am here to take you to the other side
of enlightenment
the light
I can free you
take you higher
eliminate wasted potential
Alien mind
open up your door
and let me in
I will hear your prayer
and cleanse you of sin

Dancing

on the verge of a mental breakdown
I ask myself the question
am I real?
I wish someone would tell me who I am
or what I'm meant for
but that's for me to say I guess.
I want answers
tangible answers
for all of my questions
and noone can tell me why.
I want reason for living
I'm a mouth that needs feeding
truths not evident in the government today
I bite the hand
and spit in your eye
don't tell me I'm wrong
justify all your lies
I want to be
no longer trapped in this body.

Drifting

Off into space
revolving doors
take me to your universe
where nothing is adored
I want to be a planet
swirling around your core
your science is so puzzling
you're my worm hole
my personal whore
I have faith in you
like one would have in God
don't let me down
do you believe in fate?
Perhaps you're meant to be with me
sometime very soon
you live so many moons away
I feel as if you're already gone
fading into the atmosphere
you distance yourself from me
I won't hurt you
you understand me
my intricate workings
my layers of sound
I'll stick around

Brother

Do you hear me?
It is I who has welcomed you
into the light of this world
breaking down the barriers between us
giving you silent life
I'm fixing the pieces of the puzzle
finding those I lost before
never again will I walk out of step
never again will I fail to find the divine
I am the broken heart resounding
please take the time to hear me plead
I am not who you search for
I am not who you need
persistent voices tell me
that I am the one
to tear away the walls
strip out all the rugs
I'll make you a believer
pick up the phone

I have

completely lost my fucking mind

Simply Complicated Love

I love you
not for who you are
but who you're not
you could abuse me
and you have
and I'll take it
I'll swallow your lies
and all of your deceit
if only I could have you here with me
you're far away
so out of reach
quietly haunting me
you're the sand
slipping through my hands
and I want you more
than you can understand
I'll sail the sea to see you
I'll break down every wall
you're lost and broken
your memories stolen
and I don't want it that way
perhaps I was a quiet observer
watching it all fall away
you made me cry with your sincerity
but once again
I sleep to the thought of you
you encompass my world
you sing to me through other means
and string me up like pearls
I want to be your everything
you one and only light
you have so many other dreams
I watch them all take flight
can you see a new horizon
I am the distant coast
you are all around me
I'm followed by your ghost
am I the one you love the most?
Don't boast
you won me over
but not for long
tell me something
send me a sign because
primarily I'm just waiting for a line.

Missing

You're like a missing puzzle piece
where did you go?
You've disappeared and reappeared
like smoke and mirrors
where have you gone?
I missed you once
I saw you again
seems we're both at a cross roads
seems we don't know each other
yet we do.

Cards

I own the cards
they're in my pocket
an ace I've used
to break you down
and when I finally
get to the top
I'll thank you
for being another head
I stepped on
to get there

I'm back to where I started
stuck in this place
burning in crimson
you can't catch me
I'm too fucking fast for you

Eyes

Adjust to the sound
of a thousand knives
clattering to the ground
feel the summer
hotter than the last
burning your skin brown
adjust your iris
change your eyes
queen of misery
cast your light towards me
and shame me senseless
I feel dirty
intensely scary
eyes that follow me
I want to chase you down
wait for it
wait for me
would you just slow down?
We're going too fast
you're making me sick.

Breathing

I want to breathe you in
so hold still
lay there quietly
and be real
I want to leave you down
and drag you up
make you drown
and then let you float
I want to breathe you in

I want to fill you up
so close your eyes
I need to let you know
so don't die
hot water can scald
and I can lie
but what good would it do?

Blockade

All these emotions
tumble to me
thrill me
bring me at peace
and I have to give you credit
for what I feel
I'm alive finally
breathing in oxygen
and I give you credit
you make my heart race
every time I see your face

Lines

sketchy plans
laid out
and god said you can
you will
you must
before she dies
is it gonna kill you?
no
because primarily
I won't let it kill you
it listens to me

For You

You make me smile
and believe me
smiling isn't something I do very often

Baby Doll

Maybe I loved you
I probably did
I can't remember
who can tell?
Maybe I needed you
once upon a time
maybe I wanted to
maybe I tried
I wanted something
heavy but soft
you provided
that cushion on which to fall

Far Away Eyes

Implore me
explore me
soak me up like a sponge
I am the pariah
the martyr
that forgotten song
we sing when we're dying
our hearts scream the symphony
silently appealing
to any God that will listen
hear me holler
yell and bother
to explain the unexplained
trapped in a cave
you want the comfort that you cannot afford
I cannot fix you
I cannot save you
you're lost without me
and I'm whole without you
but maybe one day
when my hair is gray
I'll have the guts to say
I loved you once
when you were innocent
when lies didn't spew out of your mouth
were you lying from the beginning?
Question marks the spot.

Dreams

I was a cast away
drifting at sea
casting out signals
that was me
I was the answer
I was the key
to a stupid puzzle
that was me
I was a navy nurse
once upon a time
funny how I
drown in the wine
what happened to me
when I was so small
I remember the glasses
spindle top cases
drowning so simply
I float to the top
remember your president
remember your ghost
the future reminds you
what do you know?

Memory

When I fade away
like a distant memory
who will remember me?
I want to be remembered for my heart
not my mind
as if there were even a question
of where I'm going
and how I'll get there
I want to know
if the grass grows greener
on the other side

Don't Call Me

The new messiah
I am old
wrinkled hands
nineteen years
is all it took
for this pain
to shrink into a box
and fade away
put your hands up
and pray the new way
pray to yourself first
before praying to me
I am my own God
I make my own decisions
the echo of my emotions
the karma that I control
I wish
upon a star
that she'll wake up
and say "Hello"
to the new secrets
that life in a box provides
and I lay here
beside myself
waiting for the moment of truth
when they all realize
it was me
all along
waiting for their thoughts
life is a shell
tiny and small
and what I want is
two people to speak with me
tell me that they know what I say is true
but that won't happen will it
I won't get my apostles
because all I am
in the end
is crazy

Caress

Calm burning hands
caress me
tell me that I'm alright
and you lay there
blonde tresses spread around you
your nightmares make you feel as if
you were nothing but a dream
wayward angel
do you know your path?
it leads to me
I've been waiting here for you
for days it seems
and all I want to know is
will you answer?
will you tell me I'm not crazy
that you feel it too?
wayward angel
open up your hands
let me slide into them
let me hold you
still you wait
telling me you want me to slowly
carefully
enter your eager body
and all you can do
while I fill your space
is tell me
silently
you wanted it that way
I'm going to New York
where the streets don't know me
and the people don't care
I'm gonna get spit on like trash
I want to be
I want to lean into the city
breathe life into it
make it whole
black berry phones
do you want an answer?
yes
I do want you
your soul is so delicate
I want to touch it
hold it in my hands
I want to breathe you in
the angels said
"she is yours"
but who is she?
where does she live?
"far away"
and there I stood
silently waiting
angry poems
the world divides us
I am the warm gulf wind
blowing at your sails
waking up your dreams
making you whole
a capsized ship
crashes into the water
and I'm underneath
drowning

Jesus

Shall we push you in?
Needle in the arm
take her blood
leave her in a room
concrete floors
have her sign papers
have her take a shower
breathing hard
I just want to die
watching porn
waiting for the moment
screaming to get out
suffocating
passing out
overdose!
lay her on the bed
give her an x-ray
make her speak
don't give her water
she doesn't know english
speak to her in spanish
call her jesus
go to a movie
sit in the theatre
have people follow
lay on your bed
stare at the ceiling
wait for an answer
cold hands
gripping
pulling
screaming!
all I remember is
I was in a movie
and they sensed me.

Anxiety

Creeps in like ants on a hill
tingles my spine
turns my gut
I twist
this way and that
indecisive
I get this feeling that when its all over
its only just begun
it makes me sick
does he do this to me on purpose?
cast me aside like a tidal wave
crashing onto the rocks
splashing sea foam
I remember her
and it makes me want to vomit
nervous
willing
but so confused
this love is compacted
easily subtracted
I'm the numbers that fill up the gap
I'm the science that can't be explained away
and all I really am
is love
simply put
I AM LOVE
not in love
not for love
love
individual
silent
a messenger
that speaks the language forgotten by time
silently waiting for the moment
when it all comes crashing down
one airplane at a time

loving her

is like loving a rock
inside its core
its soft
and I feel two sides that pull
like magnets
I'm out of control
spinning down
undeniable
I feel the tug of her hands
the invisible one
that perhaps I missed
the smoothness of her fingertips
on my spine
as I laid out
in paradise

Who am I?

What am I here for?
Questions unanswered
fill in the gaps
broken promises
lies that I told
my good intentions
my heart of gold
its my life
and I live it bold
streaks of color
I know everything about you
all that I need to know

Streaks

the sun is a hole we fall into
black and burning eternally
I laid my back on it
just to feel the sizzle
eternally grateful for the burns on my skin
scars are the only thing left to remind me

as I laid in that hospital bed
needle in arm
heart screaming in my chest
I felt the presence
something there
lingering beneath the surface
I felt my own spirit
torn and anguished
oh how I've forsaken myself
cut my own ties

I live in a tv set
wearing yellow over ironed polyester
sing to me little boy
tell me about the way it was
I want to remember
I want to remember you
it stings like a tension headache
my heart goes one way
my brain goes another
and what does that leave me with?
indecision
and that's just what I've always been
undecided.
I'm not gonna vote.

Like Mint

its just me on this planet
wafting through a sea of empty souls
riding the tidal wave
hitting a wall
and summer can't come soon enough for me
I've stretched out the expanse of my imagination
hoped for the best for this nation
cut my losses and prayed I wasn't too late
stood in front of the magistrate
everything dies
flowers crumple and old women cry
but where do we go?
the lost souls
like pebbles thrown
wafting back and forth
swaying back and forth
do you know who you are?
sorry but you're wrong
you're someone else
just another tv show
players in a game
lets go

How to almost die

overdose on ADD meds
freak out at work
get fired
ride in an ambulance
lay in a comatose state
watch weird tv
get stripped and forced to do brain scans and chest x-rays
wait to die

that would be my thanksgiving 2007

Miracles

do the blind not see
though music
do the deaf not hear
through color
jumping out of a photograph
we all collapse
and I
of course
the dead girl that I am
can hear the sounds
that echo from the hearts
of all the hurting
I am the vessel
the mirror
the child
the mother
I am you
you are me
and we are together
in perfect sync
in harmony
so sing

Life in a plastic bag

does it suffocate you?
the strain you feel
the flashing lights
the cameras
does it make you numb
collapsing like a paper cup
just broken and fucked up?
You're not crazy.
I'm not crazy.
God has hands on both our shoulders
and let me tell you
you go through hell before you get to heaven.

Face

I am the nameless face
the girl that's gone without a trace
you see me here and see me there
I assure you I am everywhere
in the pebbles in the snow
I go wherever you may go
I hold my head up strong and high
living this life yet living a lie
holding on to nothing yet
hope still grips at my sweater vest
telling me its not too late
but darling trust me
run away
I'm nothing but a bad luck dream
a curtain falls and its just me
I'm just as scared as you are you see
just as frightened and just as obscene
I don't have albums
I don't have fame
I just live here just the same
am I real?
or just a dream?
everything around me screams
the walls they shudder
twist and shout
get out! they say
get out!

Broken

My wings are broken
shorn and ripped
on this planet
I'm doomed to live
in all existance
in all pain
I greatly assure you
there is no gain
reaping is easy
breezy and fine
but one day its gonna be
your time not mine

Identity

I was raised with a certain thought
this is good and this is not
black and blue and green and red
all these colors in my head
everyone else never saw
the way the world worked
how I draw
my fingers spinning like a clock
time melts quickly
tick tock
tick tock
and when I lay my head to rest
is it just another test?
I ask myself this every day
and wonder if I could even say
the things that trouble this young mind
jaded thoughts I feel are fine
in a glass house
is where I live
I've lived there since I was a kid

Girl

I am a girl
tiny and small
obsolete?
no, not at all
I am strong
and I am wise
but all in all
I'm still in disguise

Why?

You keep calling me back
over and over
you need me so much
I'm your 4 leaf clover
I'm your good luck charm
your rabbit's foot
just let me be andy
I can't do this anymore

My Mom Is A Bitch

I hate her so
she opens her mouth
and vile spit comes out
she twists me open with her words
and makes me sick to my stomach
just the sound of her voice
and I'm reeling at the echo
I hate my mother
I hate her so
I wish that evil pile of shit would go

Money

is like a time bomb
like sand in an hourglass
money can turn your soul from white to black
from green to red
money is not the root of all evil
but it sure inspires it
money can make you lazy
what do you have to work for?
pride?
sensitive souls say money can help
the lack of it can surely be hell
but I have 1,000 dollars and shit
I just wanna give it all away
because I'm no happier than a millionaire
and no happier than a homeless man
I have no love
cept some empty dove
sitting on my window sill

Andrew (a letter)

Dear Andy,
It's been several years now and I still have that tattoo. I've been thinking of getting it removed but mostly that would be pointless. I still love you, but I'm not in love with you. That chance has come and gone and it would be really mute for me to still lead you on. I hope you enjoy being alive again, I bet it was a fun ride in heaven. Please enjoy all the sights and sounds and playing the new video games that I know you love to play. I would still like to be your friend and watch stupid horror movies with you. I love you.

I miss you.

Come back.

Love,
Lynette

Beginnings

Are much like the end
confusing
and as much as I'd like to admit
slavery is just as much in your mind
as it is a part of society
so one of these days
the anxiety is going to eat my brain up
and throw me to the wolves

Michael

Has been there for me
through thick
though thin
skating on the ice with me
I love him
though maybe not as much as say
a girl I know
but I'm getting over it
I get over everything
like hurdles
jump jump jump
swing along little girl
you're doing just fine
this game is so tiring
it makes me want to throw my hands up
you win God
you make the choice for me

fingers

fingers touch the pulse
between my legs
the fire I feel
that sets the world free
I think of you
but I still can't get there
I'm empty without you
can't you see?
Questions and answers
I still don't know
I want you every time you go
you smell so nice
and dance so well
but time goes on
and I'm in hell
I feel the empty
hands of time
quickly reeling
so divine
original thoughts
are original in nature
but I want your body
and I want your fame
snap snap snap
picture picture photograph
Us Magazine
that's us
that's me

Luna

I am the moon
I shine like mercury
moon beam
moon beam
on and on
like rain in the summer
like a corner on the sun
radio dribbling
out crappy love songs
I feel like a starving
black hole of a woman

What its like

what is it like to be dead?
it feels like nothing
you wake up and blam
it's morning
death comes as a dream
you get the ability
to be what you wanna be
I died a virgin
so I get what I want
whatever I need babe
I'm gonna haunt
and shine like a monkey
you can't shake off
come on baby
ain't death grand?
let's be monsters
let's hold hands.

Mandy

Mandy mandy
you are so dandy
the way you smile
is just like candy
and how I feel your
hands around me
oh how gorgeous
you can be.
Cesily Cesily
little blonde vixen
trick the boys with your
eyes of wisdom
tell them secrets
that are actually lies
make them love you
while you just despise.
Christina christina
what a shame
you act so innocent
and it's all a game.
Britney Britney
my little twin
we're in this together
we're in it to win.
Paris Paris
apple of my eye
slut for the vanguard
top of the prize.
Adam Adam
what a fool
smiles with an evil grin
looks like a fool
80's children
all of you
stupid followers
to a cult of cool
and listen to Stacie
cuz that girl knows
wisdom is wisdom
no matter where it grows

invisible girl

hello there
invisible girl
with your tan skin
and your tight thighs
I see your eyes
they're like wild skies
and your mouth just like
a lie
I stare at your mouth
for days and days
and your glasses
and I feel we're the same
you're so funny
how you play your games
invisible girl
how you lie and stay sane
invisible girl
I feel so damn alone
I know what you're doing
when you're not home
invisible girl
do you like what you see?
come dancing my darling
come dancing with me
we'll hold onto the garden
of eden and see
let's not bite the apple
let's just remain free
to stay on a crossroad
and live wild and free
I know what you're doing
you've got a hold on me
invisible girl
with your eyes so bright
take your invisible vision
and make me feel right
invisible girl
turn into a woman
grow up quick
no time for foolin'
I'll see you in the summer
invisible girl
and hold you forever
in this invisible world
where we'll hold hands in winter
and Spring and October
I'll use my super powers
and hold you so tightly
your lungs might burst
from the sound of a million
dollars slipping from your hands
three am and I feel you tugging
at my soul
invisible girl
you are my soul

Jane

Is not a unique name
I have a weird one
it rolls off the tongue
like a hand rolled cigarette
and tastes like champagne
in the mouth of an immigrant
three dollars in his hand
walking to olympia
fore score and 7 years ago

we all got problems
in a paper sack
tied up and simplified
for easy digestion
but this time I'm not going to swallow
the bitter pill
that you've given me
you're an asshole
and I want you to know

one day your mistakes will run up to you
and punch you in the face
scream in laughter and say
"Good job, kid"
you took heaven
and fucked it all up
I want you to know
I'm onto your game
and I'm not gonna fall for it

tremors

I can't stop shaking sometimes
when I get this feeling that I'm a broken mirror
and I can't stop cutting up the knife that hits my brain
I'm in love with a girl

past lives

haunt me like broken lines
split me in two like a grape vine
tell me I'm a $2 dollar bill
tell me to turn this car around
and go back to the end of the road
where I'm empty and useless
like 4 people standing at a crossroads
foaming at the mouth
cold fingers gripping at a metal pole
with black fingertips steadily aimed at my heart

That smell

I smell you and it's nice
you smell like gardenia
and god I love that smell
you make me so happy
I want you to know
your invisible window
to my soul
is like broken glass
in a candle lit
by the hands of time

Black spot

designer jeans
are you listening to me?
tell me how to fit in you
tell me how to fix my brain so I
collectively breathe out
carbon dioxide fumes
in the backseat of a car
breathing in oxygen
I love the way you frown
and the way you smile
with your eyes rolling back
leave me alone and keep your breath to yourself
I have super powers
blinking in my brain
1,000 tiny lights
I made room for you
in the Lynette show
where the heartbreak breaks out
like a zit on your face
an ugly face that doesn't speak
just cries black tears

Rays of light

Illuminate something I couldn't see before
music being the prism of the soul
and where I am
I can hold a question forever
like the light of a million suns
or a million moons.
I want you to take me to the top of the mountain
and just hold me down when I can't go any higher.
I've been sitting here asking myself the same question for years
wondering about God
thinking about you
whoever you are.
I think I love everything you don't mean
and everything you do
because you're an idiot
and I'm an idiot
and we're on this rollercoaster ride together
believe it or not
we're doing this right
and I just want you to know that when you finally come down
we're gonna look around and say
"We did this right."
I wish I could go to the other side of that stupid bridge with my heart and say
"Look what you've done big girl"
and point straight to you and let you have it.
You mean more than dollar signs
you mean a million thanks
and a million lies
and I can take all of them.
I'll treat you well
I have enough love to go around
because I'm not trying to play around
I'm trying to be your friend,
even if I can't love you enough
even if I don't have a penis I want you to know
I'm there for you and I'll be there for you
till your hands fall down in defeat
and all you're left with is me
a dumb 19 year old from texas
who cares more about you than you know
you silly fool.
Don't go fucking this up
and talking about science
because god knows science is a lie
made up by the devil
because he's the trickiest son of a bitch out there.
He'll tell you anything to get you running.

Boredom

is 10 like vitamin c tablets
shoved into your mouth
when you least expect it
it fills you up with this undeniable urge
to jump up and do shit you don't want to do
when its all been done before
and you just want to find the exit.
You want to punch yourself
with your empty promises
that only you make to yourself
when in reality its just you
sitting in the room alone
watching the sun set
while you bake cookies
because god knows you don't have anything better to do.
It's having a woman love you
when you don't know her name
and you don't know who she is
or what she does.
It's a triangle that spins on a 40 degree angle
and dictates your life
its five guns in your face
telling you to get moving
or you're going straight to hell.
Boredom is bitter and nasty
and I prefer it juiced and bottled
so I can use it when I want to.

This chick

I keep seeing this chick
brown hair
brown eyes
and her smile is so fucking broken
it's like a mosaic of pain
I can understand that
I feel it too
I wanna love this chick
she looks like britney
it's hilarious
and I like her for all the wrong reasons
but god damn girl
follow me around
I'll show you some things
you're gonna understand

bipolar victim

I'm a victim to the upswing
a victim to the down
take my hand little girl
and we'll go round and round
I feel it like a hurricane
tearing through my brain
if I had a choice I guess
I'd make it out okay
I've been listening forever
I've been hearing all the sounds
pain in the memories
making the rounds
all I want is a solution
all I want is to be found
buzzing bees around me
I just listen to the sound
and I want to love you B
but your soul is breaking me
we're on this ride together
you and me for all to see

I drove again today

I drive so aimlessly
I want to go somewhere yet
I feel like I'm always going back to where I started
living a lie in my bedroom
while my roommate is sleeping next door
seems like everyone is happy but me
everyone's having a cheery old valentines
fuck love
fuck it in the ass.

Trigger finger

Hand on the pulse
flutters like a butterfly
this is a stick up
fingers on the prenup
did we agree to something?
I think we did.
I want to love you
and hold you
but you're so far away
so god damn far away
It makes me want to cry
come to houston
come to see me

I exist

I am on this planet for a purpose
I live to keep you alive
I love you so much that it hurts me
so much sometimes I could cry
and I'm keeping it all together
so that neither of us die

Even

Even though it embarrasses me
this is my way
of being less sick
than I was the day before
even though it fills me with shame
this is my way
of being less ugly
than I was the day before
excuse me for being human
but I have no more excuses
for my behavior

The girl I'm in love with

Has blonde hair
she dyed it brown.
I'm not an idiot
she said with a frown.
The girl I'm in love with
smiles when she talks
with a twinkle in her eye
like a secret little spot
I'd like to dive in them
and swim around
like the atlantic ocean
she's meek and self preserving
tired and deserving
the girl I'm in love with
is running all the time
running from her love
running from time
she's perfect.
She's untouchable and fragile.

M.

I live in Texas

hey asshole
I know you
I know who you are
and when you realize
the good thing
you had you will cry
hey asshole
I hate you
I want you to die
hey asshole
I raped you
and it was just with my mind

Broken Isn't Broken

I'm fixing this
one day at a time
I'm fixing it
and I'll be fine
Bipolar
schitzo
borderline
psycho
but I'm fixing this
I'll be fine
I'm working it
one day at a time

Living

I live on earth
and dwell in the shadows
of everyone's mind
doing what I can
living like a rock
underfoot
I want to crawl into your headspace
and unfurl like a cat
and live in your eyes
I want to make you scream
I want to make you remember
all the things that happened to you
when you were little

Delusions

I have delusions of grandeur. When I say that I mean serious, serious delusions. My tv sometimes talks to me, and that freaks me out. I came on to the EMS driver who took me to the crazy hospital too. I'm insane and there's not much else I can do about it. I wanna kill myself almost every day, but ah... c'est la vie. What can one do with their misfortune cept take a shit on it and hope it'll turn into a rose?

My life sucks.
Blam.

Dreamer

paranoid.
delusional.
All things I feel I am
but never felt before
broken inside and empty
yet somehow alive
I want to be dead
but I want to live
and I want to learn
strange body
strange world
dead girl
dead girl
dead.

idiots

all of them
who stand in my way
backing against the wall
helping them stay
looking for noone
looking to stay
but helpless in every way

To the people from heroes

Keep this up
you're making me stronger
sylar can't win
there isn't just one empathic

I feel raped

I feel raped
shorn and scraped
utterly misshaped
and there's nothing I can say

Under your foot
under your knee
you and me
you and me
will be together
but I will lie
and baby baby I will die
one day

and what will you have to say?
Anything?
Anything?
Nothing.
I'm running on empty
I'm out of fucking fuel
you act so cruel
but I love you
though I don't know you

A liar

A liar interests me
like hands on a clock
a liar acts like a two minute watch

People

are sometimes wrong.
People are sometimes mean.
People are sometimes ugly.
People are people
I don't like them.

doomed alone

alone alone
is all I am
cursed to live in this stupid fucking house
till my bones rot
and my brain collapses
and my head explodes
from being in
this stupid fucking house.

I feel better

I do
I feel better without you
but I still feel this empty
hole in my head
I wish I could be dead again
so I could get out of this hell hole

I know about you

I know you're gay
don't you think that it's okay?
Jesus christ girl make up your mind
I can't keep hanging around like this all my life.

Am I meant for something?

Am I meant for something?
Or merely a tool.
put in the shed of my past
laying there waiting to die
I was spell cast.

The good little girl

I waited in line
like a good little girl
shh shh said they
to the rest of the world
and what did I have?
A cute little boy,
to be in my arms
and for me to enjoy
but at once he was taken
and I let him lose
out of the hells
that I produced.

The good little girl

I waited in line
like a good little girl
shh shh said they
to the rest of the world
and what did I have?
A cute little boy,
to be in my arms
and for me to enjoy
but at once he was taken
and I let him lose
out of the hells
that I produced.

The good little girl

I waited in line
like a good little girl
shh shh said they
to the rest of the world
and what did I have?
A cute little boy,
to be in my arms
and for me to enjoy
but at once he was taken
and I let him lose
out of the hells
that I produced.

I opened up the moon

I opened up the moon for you
I hope you like the sky
forever I was nice to you
I hope you liked the lie
I waited for you every day
I hope you liked to wait
blink forever like I did
I hope you wanted it

He's in friendswood

Little girl

played with me on the swings today
it made me feel better about myself.
I married god long ago, but I
don't think that makes me bad.
I'm a good person I think
just a big troubled
just a bit in a bad place
but I'll be okay
says madeline.

Little white lies

I'm married to noone
I'm married to nobody
nobody owns me
nobody does
and if you try to disown me
you'll get the grudge

Oh god damn

I was shot in the heart
cut like a knife
life in a block
tell me I'm crazy
act like a fool
but the world around me
acts so cool
calm and collected
bleeding if you let it
precious hearts well I
think if you let it
broken promises

Burning ears

are all I have left
of the flame
that burned my hands
when I was gone.

mi corazon

In my heart I feel an empty feeling.
I wanted her but she did absolutely nothing.

bloggin

I keep on bloggin
cuz I keep on rockin
because I like music
and I like ruins
and I like broken
promises so I
feel what I'm feeling
because britney needs some assistance
to feel what she's feeling because
maybe she's not broken.

That's my bro

That's my bro
that's who that is

Believe in music

cuz that's what I am
a stupid fucking song
a stupid fucking stupid song
and all I did was save you
you god damned idiots.
I fucking hate all of you.
Nailing me to a cross.
Well fuck you.

Skinny bitch

That's what I am
skinny bitch
I blamed the land
PTB
Powers that Be
and oh my god
maybe that's me!
Pretty little girl
that's what I am
talk talk talk
blah blah blah
Samantha Underwood
blah blah blah
Mandy Moore
Blah blah blah
I wanted them all
maybe I was bi!
Maybe I was gay!
Maybe I was straight!
Maybe I was everything
rolled into one
and you don't dare to comment
not a single one!
I saved you all
from the big bad foe
movie in your head.
Now I gotta go.
Don't go you say?
Oh well okay
I'll stick around
but you don't believe
and yeah you do?
Nah you don't.
You're a stupid fucking liar
and you are a hypocrite
and a pile of shit
and I hate you.

Remember me?

Remember Jesus?

He was stripped
clothes taken off
life in a crypt
oh he rose!
He got off the ground!
He was a victim!
He was round!
He lived his life!
Oh holy shit
maybe there's more to this
maybe there's a bit of fiction
maybe there's a bit of truth
I lied and then
I told the truth.

I am penny

remember me?
I was in a cartoon you see.
I lived my life of fantasy.
Remember me?

hate

hate is a horrible thing to have
it fills you up and makes you mad
and you close your eyes and close your mind
and everything you wanted makes you blind
it hurts your parents and hurts your friends
and all you want it to do is end
and here I am and I stayed the same
but my bloody body is filled with shame
because god has cursed me yet again
and once more I'll walk and speak in this land
of pretend pretend pretend
and I had a good thing once upon a time
I had a friend and I had rhyme
but living my life is like living a lie
and god forgive me if I want to die
but my last chance is going away
and I just want to live one more day
and god just told me wait wait wait
and I don't want to fucking wait
I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate
to wait.

I don't want

to be famous
I don't want
to be blasphemous
and I wish that I
could live this
life but I
lived it
and I want to
shit on it
but I can't.
And tomorrow
I'll be alive so
don't miss me when I'm gone no
don't miss me when I'm gone.

little red blocks
all in a line
play it like tetris
and you'll do fine
one two three
four five six
maybe it's just like
pick up sticks
I was young
and I was stupid
I had plans
but none like cupid
all of them waited
stood in a line
took a hit
and I was fine.

Sia

Personal writing that scares me just a little

I dunno who the fuck I am yet I do

BLAH!

I have a serious identity issue. Must file complaint to Personality Incorporated and see what they say.

Assimilate and start a line!

Guh guh guh gah gah gah blah blah blah.

This post sucks. Sorry.

F is for free

Can't you see darling?
you're beautiful starling
you smile but you're paling
your star must be fading
those wings that you wore
made you feel like a whore
but it's fine and divine
because we're all in the rhyme
of the reason in time