Failure

I had everything planned.
Simple, effective, easy to follow
this plan didn't work
I gave up
just threw everything down,
crossed my arms
and quit.
It was too easy to do.
I wonder if I ever wanted it at all.
What do I want?
I want the benefits of success without any of the hard work
that never happens.
Maybe I'll win the lottery.
I have the same chances of winning that as
having the ability to send text messages with my mind
it could happen.
It won't but it could.
I think if everyone took risks like that
we'd all be dead.
I'm a failure I think
I thought about killing myself the other day
taking too much of one of my pills and overdosing again.
I didn't do it. (Obviously)
One of these days I might be braver
if I eat those pills with the intention of just having an overdose
and I die instead will I go to hell?
Is there hell?
There isn't if you believe the jews.
I don't know who or what I believe.
The other day I was imagining what it would have been like to be Jesus.
What kind of mindset did Jesus have?
Nothing that came out of his mouth was his own--
it was like he was a shell that functioned only to serve God.
I would think that would be quite difficult to do
of course he never complained,
but I think there were times that he wished it wasn't him.
Did he pity us?
I want to ask him.
Maybe one day I'll get the chance.