Can't Turn Around

At this rate
I feel like I'm going 1,000 miles per hour
things aren't so bad
I don't feel suicidal this time

if this keeps going
I might get optimistic
perhaps I'll have hope for a brighter future
not everything got burned in the fire

eventually
it's gonna overtake me
I'm gonna feel alright
maybe even good about something

I still have an invisible bruise on my arm
it only hurts when I push it
I'm going to try and find a bible tutor
maybe they'll teach me a couple things about myself I didn't know

I don't think I'm that bad a person
I've been through some rough shit but I've survived intact
I'm not too damaged
I'm not a drug addict or a prostitute
I think that constitutes a pat on the back or some congratulations

my aunt crashed her car
I'm worried about her
nobody in my family is talking to her
I have no idea why
people are poisonous

When it comes down to it
I think everybody's greedy
I thought I had good chances but really
when I think about it
it's all up to chance

I've been watching christian television
it makes the anxiety go away
that twisting feeling in my stomach fades
I can give it credit for that

I want to get to the point where God talks to me
tells me to do things and what decisions to make
I want to recognize the voice of God
distinguish it from my own voice

I tried sending a message today
I think I was successful
he tried calling a number but got no one
you can't call my brain technically

I wonder what I told him
probably things that didn't make sense
they're usually fragments of thought

I wonder what part of my brain controls the messages?
It's not my conscious mind controlling it that I know
I do have a bit of control over it now though
I have to focus for me to send a message

it sends out to random people though
usually the first person I see that has a cellphone
I don't know if it makes any difference in their lives
it's made me a believer in the supernatural
I wonder what our brains can do if we only were to push them

I managed to crawl over one of the walls in my brain to get this ability
I could probably gain more if I kept pursuing it
but right now I'm happy with what I've got
for people who are curious enough maybe it'll strengthen their faith

maybe if people know that there are people like me out there it'll make them feel better
people with gifts walking this earth
I don't know if it was that lunar eclipse
or the overdose
that triggered my abilities

all I know is
after I got out of the hospital
things were different
I could do things other people couldn't do

I could get into people's heads
they could hear me talk to them
I'd bring people to tears
bring people to peace
I had the holy spirit in my pocket
and I was carrying it with me

I wonder what made that happen
is it because I got saved?
I distinctly remember when it happened
I was walking the dog and it just hit me
I started crying
and I felt it, that deep sorrow

and I repented
and God talked to me.
He told me not to make so many demands
he told me not to thank him so much and to just do what he said
I put all kinds of conditions on him talking to me
but he just did whatever he wanted to in the end.

I guess I've got a problem if I'm trying to boss God around
but people in the bible did the exact same thing
I should try to be a better person
stop sinning so much

he's turned around so many things in my life
forgiven me and then shown me so much mercy
I owe him so much
and I can take the magic out of everything
say everything's just chance and coincidence

but I don't like to think so
I want to believe there are people and spirits out there
and that some things just can't be explained

I made the decision to believe in a higher power
nobody can fault me for that
I refuse to be backed into a corner for believing in something