I Feel Better Now

That things are more private
I have more things to myself
nobody prying into my business
my inner most feelings

better than being exposed
now I can be as crazy as I want
when I want
and I don't have to worry about being judged

that is if this private thing even works.
It could be just a placebo.
Everyone in the world could be reading my blog right now.

Invade

My private space is my own
don't step into my life like you own it
don't walk into my world like you belong in it
I don't want you here

I need to be alone
I don't need a babysitter
I don't need to be monitored and watched
I feel like I'm in a fish tank

don't watch me to see if I'm safe
I know you care but leave me alone
I don't need you to care
I need you to butt out

Can't Turn Around

At this rate
I feel like I'm going 1,000 miles per hour
things aren't so bad
I don't feel suicidal this time

if this keeps going
I might get optimistic
perhaps I'll have hope for a brighter future
not everything got burned in the fire

eventually
it's gonna overtake me
I'm gonna feel alright
maybe even good about something

I still have an invisible bruise on my arm
it only hurts when I push it
I'm going to try and find a bible tutor
maybe they'll teach me a couple things about myself I didn't know

I don't think I'm that bad a person
I've been through some rough shit but I've survived intact
I'm not too damaged
I'm not a drug addict or a prostitute
I think that constitutes a pat on the back or some congratulations

my aunt crashed her car
I'm worried about her
nobody in my family is talking to her
I have no idea why
people are poisonous

When it comes down to it
I think everybody's greedy
I thought I had good chances but really
when I think about it
it's all up to chance

I've been watching christian television
it makes the anxiety go away
that twisting feeling in my stomach fades
I can give it credit for that

I want to get to the point where God talks to me
tells me to do things and what decisions to make
I want to recognize the voice of God
distinguish it from my own voice

I tried sending a message today
I think I was successful
he tried calling a number but got no one
you can't call my brain technically

I wonder what I told him
probably things that didn't make sense
they're usually fragments of thought

I wonder what part of my brain controls the messages?
It's not my conscious mind controlling it that I know
I do have a bit of control over it now though
I have to focus for me to send a message

it sends out to random people though
usually the first person I see that has a cellphone
I don't know if it makes any difference in their lives
it's made me a believer in the supernatural
I wonder what our brains can do if we only were to push them

I managed to crawl over one of the walls in my brain to get this ability
I could probably gain more if I kept pursuing it
but right now I'm happy with what I've got
for people who are curious enough maybe it'll strengthen their faith

maybe if people know that there are people like me out there it'll make them feel better
people with gifts walking this earth
I don't know if it was that lunar eclipse
or the overdose
that triggered my abilities

all I know is
after I got out of the hospital
things were different
I could do things other people couldn't do

I could get into people's heads
they could hear me talk to them
I'd bring people to tears
bring people to peace
I had the holy spirit in my pocket
and I was carrying it with me

I wonder what made that happen
is it because I got saved?
I distinctly remember when it happened
I was walking the dog and it just hit me
I started crying
and I felt it, that deep sorrow

and I repented
and God talked to me.
He told me not to make so many demands
he told me not to thank him so much and to just do what he said
I put all kinds of conditions on him talking to me
but he just did whatever he wanted to in the end.

I guess I've got a problem if I'm trying to boss God around
but people in the bible did the exact same thing
I should try to be a better person
stop sinning so much

he's turned around so many things in my life
forgiven me and then shown me so much mercy
I owe him so much
and I can take the magic out of everything
say everything's just chance and coincidence

but I don't like to think so
I want to believe there are people and spirits out there
and that some things just can't be explained

I made the decision to believe in a higher power
nobody can fault me for that
I refuse to be backed into a corner for believing in something

They say

Hell plays music of sorrow to make people kill themselves
that there are organs that play night and day
telling you that you aren't worth it
that nobody loves you
that you're better off dead

that's what I've heard.

One man said he saw them
churning out their sad pitiful song
luring people in by the thousands
and I think
the devil is that fine detail in the fabric
that little snag
that ruins everything good about it.
I wonder if everytime it thunders God is acknowledging my presence
I'm self absorbed in that way.
I think I'm kind of needy sometimes
that I cling to objects and things because I feel that they're all I have
I pray sometimes
probably not enough
but when I do I'd like to think I mean it.
A woman on tv was talking about hell and how she visited it with Jesus
and I wonder
if that truly happened to her
if she wasn't just being delusional or dreaming or making it up
why her?
Why did God choose to show her hell and noone else?
Why do none of the stories add together and make sense?
Hell is so subjective I think
different for you and different for me
and if you try to go there
you're only going to get your own skewed version of the place
it's not what everyone else will see.
And then it's natural to want to believe the Jews
to believe in purgatory
a natural waiting place to atone for your sins
I wonder what punishment believing in a messiah like Jesus would have for a gentile
if he isn't what he claimed to be?
And then I wonder
is it possible to see God
to feel him
when you're just a human being
a tiny unimportant dot on this earth?
We're under God's big fish eye
looking in our lives and our hearts
and judging us.
Everyday deciding if we're worth saving.
It's scarier to believe in Jesus sometimes than it is just to believe in nothing.
But I think you have a better chance if you believe than if you didn't.
I think it's worth something to risk yourself by believing in Jesus and telling other people.
You don't want to look foolish and that's a huge problem.
You don't want to look like you're weak or lame because God has a big part in your life.
It's almost a curse to believe in anything.
But I still think it's worth it.

Captive

at home with nothing to do
trapped in my head almost
lost in the lack of thought
interesting numbness as the meds kick in
I feel like I stood up and suceeded
and then fell back down again
I swallowed my fate and it did no good
ended up with charcoal and IV fluid
looking for a second chance and not a way out
this time I'm sticking to my promise
I'm devout
when I find the time to listen to whatever he has to say
I'm sure he'll tell me everything I need to hear
I just want to see my father again
I miss him and I'm sure he's worried to death
my arm has an invisible bruise where the IV went in
it hurts like a reminder of what I did
to look at me once won't tell you a thing
I'm a question mark
a mysterious being
and I wonder what purpose
I'll have in this life
God's plan is so confusing
it's hard to stay within the lines
because one day its simple
you blow through it with ease
but the other days are impossible
they'll bring you to your knees
and I'm wondering where I will be
just a week from now
my mind is scattered to the wind
I need to sit down and rewind

A Letter to God

I'm struggling.
This whole blog is for you.
I feel like I don't have it in me
that I don't have what it takes to succeed.
I want to get far, but I don't have the strength it takes.
I need your help, though it's hard to admit.
I've struggled and sank to my deepest depths without you.
Come through for me.
I feel so distant from you
distant from my goals
I feel like you're pulling away
I want you to come back into my life again.
I promise many things
make threats and tempt you
disobey you and turn on you
but I yearn to be valuable to you.
I want to use my abilities to help your cause
I want to prove you to other people.
I pray, honestly and desperately,
that you give me the opportunity to prove my love for you.
Opportunities to prove my loyalty
I want to make you proud of me.
I'm not perfect, but you are.
And with you on my side I can never lose
this is my silent appeal for your help
a grain of sand tossed into the sea
I pray you hear what I'm saying and believe me
I pray that your hand touches my life and turns me into a better person.
I want to change. I want to give up living a life of denial and just move on through you.
You sent your only son to save me from my sin.
I want to devote my life to you and him
wash my hands of my selfishness and materialism
I've been through hell and back
tasted death and seen miracles
I've tried to be a hero
but I've failed.
Through you I can succeed.
Through you I can gain the ability to overcome my life's obstacles
I want you to heal my life
I want you to take away this pain I feel and replace it with your love.
I feel so needy right now but I'm being as honest as I can.
You tell me to write to you and this is what I'm doing
as embarrassing as it might be I need your help.
I'm close to getting in trouble
I need you to cleanse me of my sin
help me start anew.
I know that only you can give me a second chance
I've decided that I am going to defend your name
I am going to do great things in your name
help those who need help
I don't want these to be empty promises
I want to do what I say
You've opened a door for me and I want to step through
I feel like the shackles that have been holding me down can be broken
All I need is faith in you to turn my life around.
I am just a lamb
a pawn in a chess game
take my soul and make it supernatural
take my life and make it spiritually fruitful
look at all you've given me
I don't appreciate it like I should,
but I will from now on.
Today I do.
And I promise
I swear on my own life
that I won't ever give up on you
just like you've never given up on me.
I'm speaking this from the bottom of my heart.
I'm being as open as I possibly can.
Help me.

Dizzy

I feel like I'm on the verge
of a disaster
it makes me anxious
my stomach twists and turns with fear
I think of all the people I'll disappoint
people I've already let down
it makes me sick
in 10 years where will I be?
Still living with my parents?
Scraping by with little to my name?
I'm not very lucky.
I need something to give me hope
I need an inner voice to guide me
maybe I've just been ignoring it
maybe all the answers are right in front of me.
I'm avoiding the inevitable
this whole dream I have
it's already started crashing down

Quitting

I just give up sometimes
throw in the towel
it's easy to do but the consequences
the missed chances
they're hard to deal with
I wonder if I made the right decision
I was destined to fail but...
if I had just tried harder
not given up so easy
I probably would have been better off.
I have no emotional stamina
once I hit a road block I crash and burn
it's cost me a lot in my life so far
I didn't get into the school I wanted to get in
my life turned into a rollercoaster
are things getting better?
I can't even tell anymore.
So here I sit on my couch
wasting my time thinking about dropping that class
the people that I let down
I disappoint myself so much sometimes
giving up is my fault
but it's hardwired into my brain almost
and this lying thing
I've seriously got to work on that.
These little drops in the bucket are gonna fill it one day
and where am I gonna dump it all out?

Storm

There's a storm overhead
it doesn't rage on
it'll flood the city
maybe ruin the island
there's more coming
perhaps one day soon
there'll be another Katrina
this time perhaps
Houston will drown
where will we go?
Our home will be gone
my things
my clothes
We're doomed I think
but I don't think about it much
aren't you happy it was them instead of you?
This world's gonna eat itself alive.

Failure

I had everything planned.
Simple, effective, easy to follow
this plan didn't work
I gave up
just threw everything down,
crossed my arms
and quit.
It was too easy to do.
I wonder if I ever wanted it at all.
What do I want?
I want the benefits of success without any of the hard work
that never happens.
Maybe I'll win the lottery.
I have the same chances of winning that as
having the ability to send text messages with my mind
it could happen.
It won't but it could.
I think if everyone took risks like that
we'd all be dead.
I'm a failure I think
I thought about killing myself the other day
taking too much of one of my pills and overdosing again.
I didn't do it. (Obviously)
One of these days I might be braver
if I eat those pills with the intention of just having an overdose
and I die instead will I go to hell?
Is there hell?
There isn't if you believe the jews.
I don't know who or what I believe.
The other day I was imagining what it would have been like to be Jesus.
What kind of mindset did Jesus have?
Nothing that came out of his mouth was his own--
it was like he was a shell that functioned only to serve God.
I would think that would be quite difficult to do
of course he never complained,
but I think there were times that he wished it wasn't him.
Did he pity us?
I want to ask him.
Maybe one day I'll get the chance.

Broadcast

I have to find them
one by one
they're hidden from me
I know there are people in this city
people like me
I can't be crazy
its impossible to ignore
I wonder if they'll follow
as they did before?
if I met one
what would I say?
we're both the same!
I'd scream at the top of my lungs
they scare me and thrill me
they were searching for me
calling department stores
searching, finding
I slipped away
that was months ago
maybe I'll show them
something they've never seen before
I can do it, I know I can
I just have to focus
I belong in this city
born and raised
I think I'll see the end
maybe I'll be a part of it
but I'll fight
harder than the rest
I'll be a leader
searching for the truth
find me if you can

History

when things get too close
I run
when things get too hard
I run
it's all I know how to do
who's piloting this ship?
I don't feel like I'm in charge
I'll hit an iceberg
sink to the bottom of the ocean
then I won't have to make any more decisions.

Word Association

Generally
when I think about it
I don't care about very much
I don't want anybody dead
I'm not amazingly in love with anyone
and my life is pretty predictable now
it used to be a ball of crazy of course
but numbingly boring isn't much of an improvement
atleast I'm not doing anymore of my driving adventures
getting lost in a city and finding your way home isn't as fun as it might sound
you see weird things though
underage drinkers
drivers with DRXXX on their license plate
I don't think I imagined that one
I remember standing in the parking lot of a kroger at 2am
freezing cold
waiting for something
(I didn't know what)
I'm a cat.
I have nine lives.
This isn't even close to a poem.