What I Remember

There were flashing lights in my living room
maybe from the overdose
they were almost tangible to me
pulsing like they were breathing
watching me while I rolled my eyes in my skull
and gyrated on the couch
sending out signals to God knows who
thinking I was a robot or a radio
and while I laid on the hospital bed
I remember thinking I was dying
I felt the needle in my arm
and the electrodes made my machine beep up and down the hall
my thoughts were scattered like sand
I felt numb and brainless laying there
I couldn't move my limbs so I just laid on my bed
I would have fallen asleep if the beeping wasn't so damn loud
the ems drivers stayed with me, believed me
one had just started speaking spanish the day before out of nowhere
I spoke it to him in the ambulance
it was all my scrambled brain could understand
I know they remember me and think about me
they thought I was otherworldly and special
I had just tumbled off the edge of sanity
gripping on the ledge with a leisurely hand
and maybe if I had the choice I'd do it again
just to feel the panic one more time
it was when I laid in that hospital bed
my mother feeding me ice
that I felt the most alive
my heart was screaming in my chest
I could hear the blood beating in my ears
and maybe God was in that hospital room
because the room felt electric
pulsating like the lights
and every sound I heard would echo in my head
my skin felt pliable and rubbery
there were black circles under my eyes
I had gone somewhere that night under the impression
that God was testing me
and that connection, that feeling
was as close to perfect as you could get
even though I was nearly insane
my manic mind processed things at lightning speed
I felt my entire body was separate from me
and I disconnected somehow--
just unplugged from the core
and in that hospital bed
I pulsed with the light
as graceful as one could be
under florescent lighting.
I was on stage.