I Feel

useless
undefined
unfocused

I want to be bold
I want to be a hero
I want to stand up and declare
what I say matters
and I want people to listen

I am

angry
unfocused
introverted

and I don't want to be
I feel like I was meant to be more
special in some way
and I guess everyone's special
but can't one star shine a little bit brighter in the night sky?
and I've been through so much
I feel I deserve to be more special than most

is that so wrong?

Life

one day I'm gonna break these walls
I'll climb over them with ease
and make my way past with no second thought
I'll have no regrets
things to look forward to
accomplishments and accolades
right now
I'm trapped in here
forced to think the same thoughts
forced to go down the same path of self-destruction
and when I think about it
wanting is not the same as doing
and I wonder if I can break down those walls
or if I'll remain trapped in here
beating on the walls
never free again

A Weird Type of Suicide

if I were suicidal
I'd bite into a rotten jalapeno
and hope it was infected with salmonella
thing is
I hate jalapenos

Vanity and Stress

I've been thinking about the day
inevitable it seems
the day that I'll crack
like porcelain again

they'll send me back
to the hospital room
lock me away
pump me with drugs

it looms over me
that shadow of doubt
taints my every move
marks my every word

and one day
when they catch me
I'll wither away
crumble to dust

the wind will carry me away

Time

in these moments
time seems to pass by
slowly and painfully
like molasses
seeping out of the day
and you squeeze out what you can
but when it comes down to it
all you get is
minutes ticking by
as you count down
till the day is over

Tar Heel

it came suddenly
with an awesome force
nearly knocked me over
that's how strong it was
I couldn't feel anything
I was mentally numbed
my voice droned on
my mind hummed with thoughts
and all I knew was
perhaps somehow
I had been changed
it gave my life meaning again
I felt valuable
worthy of living
and those upcoming nights
were the most magical nights I'd ever seen.

Something I realized

A lot of my poetry is bipolar ramblings. I read it sometimes and I can't even follow what I'm talking about. Nobody reads this page and I have no idea how 160 people have viewed my profile (it was probably me) but it's interesting to read how out of my head I was. This blog isn't very reader friendly. I have a hole in my head that all my thoughts come out, and somehow they get onto this web page. So therefore I find a lot of my "poems" to be hilarious. So don't feel bad if you've laughed at them too. They make NO sense. I don't think they have to.