I'm Nervous

It bubbles in my stomach
twists my guts
churns and churns inside
making me unsure
I feel excited in a bad way
I want to run
I want to escape
it'll be over before I know it
it's like a 5 minute death
and it's inevitable
the other shoe will drop
and there I'll sit
shoeless and still nervous
my back aches
my head spins
floating above while counting down
minutes seconds
until I have to stand up there
and talk about nothing
I'm nervous.

Midnight

It creeps in
like liquid in your veins
suddenly overwhelming you
making you weightless
the night rolls in
black cut through by moonlight
cascading over spirits
whirling around outside
I sense their presence
feel their energy
it washes over me like rain

What I Remember

There were flashing lights in my living room
maybe from the overdose
they were almost tangible to me
pulsing like they were breathing
watching me while I rolled my eyes in my skull
and gyrated on the couch
sending out signals to God knows who
thinking I was a robot or a radio
and while I laid on the hospital bed
I remember thinking I was dying
I felt the needle in my arm
and the electrodes made my machine beep up and down the hall
my thoughts were scattered like sand
I felt numb and brainless laying there
I couldn't move my limbs so I just laid on my bed
I would have fallen asleep if the beeping wasn't so damn loud
the ems drivers stayed with me, believed me
one had just started speaking spanish the day before out of nowhere
I spoke it to him in the ambulance
it was all my scrambled brain could understand
I know they remember me and think about me
they thought I was otherworldly and special
I had just tumbled off the edge of sanity
gripping on the ledge with a leisurely hand
and maybe if I had the choice I'd do it again
just to feel the panic one more time
it was when I laid in that hospital bed
my mother feeding me ice
that I felt the most alive
my heart was screaming in my chest
I could hear the blood beating in my ears
and maybe God was in that hospital room
because the room felt electric
pulsating like the lights
and every sound I heard would echo in my head
my skin felt pliable and rubbery
there were black circles under my eyes
I had gone somewhere that night under the impression
that God was testing me
and that connection, that feeling
was as close to perfect as you could get
even though I was nearly insane
my manic mind processed things at lightning speed
I felt my entire body was separate from me
and I disconnected somehow--
just unplugged from the core
and in that hospital bed
I pulsed with the light
as graceful as one could be
under florescent lighting.
I was on stage.

Unsure, Unaware

I'm going out on a limb
gripping at empty air
hoping for a chance with
the queen unapproachable
touch of impossible
eyes of quicksilver
questioning glances
making me shiver
the thought of a chance with
a beauty like that
makes my brain twist and quiver
and my heart pitter pat
and I wonder if I have what
a girl would look for
my face isn't perfect
I might be a bore
but the chance still lingers
in front of my eyes
jump and risk falling
stand and fall away

Cutting

circulation in my brain
pops at the strain of thought
invades my sense of logic
breaks my concentration
tears at my self esteem
memories of a past I used to live
break into my state of mind
corrupt my future
sabotage my life
and one by one it all falls down
all these delicate plans I made
falter and fall away
like falling leaves
it becomes a fragment
a tiny piece of me

Wood Grain

science can't explain what I can do
the mind is powerful; doing things that seem impossible
reaching out to others through my thoughts
connecting to a source of energy unlimited by space and time
and I seem to have been chosen for something
I'm advanced
I can send out messages that others can recieve
and they've noticed
they're following, listening, waiting for commands
they're scared and willing
armies of followers
and all I have to do is reach out
send a message
and they listen.

How Many Times

You can scream without talking
your leaden legs stomp in every room
you bang every door
brazenly waltzing in
as if everyone there were waiting for you
I left as soon as I appeared
crawled in and ran out of your life
like a flash of light in your eye
and you expected it as if you thought
if you saw it coming it wouldn't happen so sudden
but it was like a broken leg
numb for awhile then burning and aching
your heart's in ice while I
try to deal with my emotions
you and I standing face to face
pushing and pulling
expanding and contracting
heart beats racing to drum beats
you're more convincing when you're drunk
rolling around in your stupor
then when you argue your position
sweat at your brow
concentration in your eyes
and you always mean to say something else
something more witty
charming
yet it comes out wrong more bitter than you meant it
you're terribly afraid of being embarrassed
and when I ask to leave the party
you laugh
the last thing you want to do is admit defeat
stumbling back to your old position
I had to carry you home