What It Feels Like

I feel like a thousand eyes are watching me.
Every move I make has to be calculated, I always have to be ready.
One of these days they're gonna say something or do something to clue me in.
Like they have some fucking plan to capture me or make me do what they want me to.
I feel paranoid, and I feel the strain
Once I leave their presence I feel like I'm safe again.
I feel like a cop or something.
I think they think I'm watching them.
I am.

Void

I'm going to fill that void
with things
with objects
with materials
with anything I can get my hands on
I'm gonna fill that void
I want new clothes
I want new rims
I want a new shiny life with no problems
I want everything handed to me in a shiny silver box
I want a job
I want money
I'm gonna fill that void

She Lies

Sometimes she lies for no reason
words spill out like ants from an antpile
crawl all over you
eat you up

it's easy when she lies
it flows like music and she almost believes it
it's like a damned art that nobody's a fan of
she hates herself when she lies
she hates herself she when she doesn't

she lies to make the pieces of her puzzle fit together
she's a hologram of a human being
all air no substance
you can't fill her in with words
she's frozen and incapable

and when she lies to you
it fills you up like wine
you're drunk on it
you love what she says
it give you everything you need
until the lies run out

there's an ugly truth behind the lies
a scarred and broken face
if you'd only look behind the mirror
looked through the cracked lines in the surface to what lies beneath
you'd see her there
looking up at you horrified

sometimes the lie makes you a villain
she thinks she's a hero sometimes
she thinks she's saving people from herself
that broken monster that she hides away from

and the lies become part of her soul
part of her being
and it scares her
it becomes easier to lie every time you say it

and she cares
somewhere deep down inside she cares
but the core is calloused and hard
and if you were to break it there'd be nothing inside
she has no self esteem
no real image of herself

sometimes she comes inside of you and changes you
makes you into her
you become the monster behind the mirror
because sometimes when I stare at her
I see myself reflected
it scares me every time

my greatest fear is
one day I'll wake up
and what I'll see
will be her world of lies
all of her lies will become truth
and what a horrible world that would be!

inverted and perverse
and you hang on the half truths and freudian slips
because maybe you think
maybe there's a human somewhere inside the wreckage
but that's all rotted away.

Rate of Success

I calculate it slowly
day by fucking day
and it always seems like I'm going in circles
things happen
but not to me

is it sick to wish you were ill with something?
incapacitated, laying in a hospital waiting to die?
a part of me wants that
I can't deny that I would enjoy the attention
I hate that about myself

how close did I get to death?
I really wish I could know
the machines beeped a thousand times
I was monitored and weak
my thoughts were scrambled like eggs
I want that to happen again

but I tried to repeat it and it wasn't the same
all I got was charcoal to drink and a worried mother
I regret being alive in the first place

and it wasn't even my choice
I wasn't given a choice to live this life
God supposedly gave me this great gift
I feel like it's a curse that I have to live out
like every day is just slow torture
I've lost my mind before
if only I could lose it again
that's real freedom
you're not tied down by anything

I don't want responsibility
I want to rot like a corpse
what I want is to die of natural causes
very very soon.
That's what I really want.
So it's not my fault and I don't have to be punished for it.
My aunt's dodged the bullet so many times
I want the bullet to hit me
I'm just tired of living
and I think sometimes I convince myself I'm happy
but the fact is I'm miserable
and I whine because it's the only thing I can do.
I want to make a point.

Home

Home is where
my house is still standing
the back room is ruined
the tree is destroyed

home is where
the power was out
we took cold showers
we sweat like pigs

White Whale

it stacks up on you
the feeling in your bones
you feel like you're losing a fight
there's an invisible enemy
pushing and pulling you along
the things I remember might not be right
my memory's damaged since most of it happened
I still think about it
it's a secret I keep to myself
I torture myself with my memories
I worry about things that might never happen
in a way I wouldn't be surprised if they did

Bashed

Boom crash
and our house falls down
water rises
my house drowns
down comes the rain
washes us away
there goes my city