Dizzy

I feel like I'm on the verge
of a disaster
it makes me anxious
my stomach twists and turns with fear
I think of all the people I'll disappoint
people I've already let down
it makes me sick
in 10 years where will I be?
Still living with my parents?
Scraping by with little to my name?
I'm not very lucky.
I need something to give me hope
I need an inner voice to guide me
maybe I've just been ignoring it
maybe all the answers are right in front of me.
I'm avoiding the inevitable
this whole dream I have
it's already started crashing down

Quitting

I just give up sometimes
throw in the towel
it's easy to do but the consequences
the missed chances
they're hard to deal with
I wonder if I made the right decision
I was destined to fail but...
if I had just tried harder
not given up so easy
I probably would have been better off.
I have no emotional stamina
once I hit a road block I crash and burn
it's cost me a lot in my life so far
I didn't get into the school I wanted to get in
my life turned into a rollercoaster
are things getting better?
I can't even tell anymore.
So here I sit on my couch
wasting my time thinking about dropping that class
the people that I let down
I disappoint myself so much sometimes
giving up is my fault
but it's hardwired into my brain almost
and this lying thing
I've seriously got to work on that.
These little drops in the bucket are gonna fill it one day
and where am I gonna dump it all out?

Storm

There's a storm overhead
it doesn't rage on
it'll flood the city
maybe ruin the island
there's more coming
perhaps one day soon
there'll be another Katrina
this time perhaps
Houston will drown
where will we go?
Our home will be gone
my things
my clothes
We're doomed I think
but I don't think about it much
aren't you happy it was them instead of you?
This world's gonna eat itself alive.

Failure

I had everything planned.
Simple, effective, easy to follow
this plan didn't work
I gave up
just threw everything down,
crossed my arms
and quit.
It was too easy to do.
I wonder if I ever wanted it at all.
What do I want?
I want the benefits of success without any of the hard work
that never happens.
Maybe I'll win the lottery.
I have the same chances of winning that as
having the ability to send text messages with my mind
it could happen.
It won't but it could.
I think if everyone took risks like that
we'd all be dead.
I'm a failure I think
I thought about killing myself the other day
taking too much of one of my pills and overdosing again.
I didn't do it. (Obviously)
One of these days I might be braver
if I eat those pills with the intention of just having an overdose
and I die instead will I go to hell?
Is there hell?
There isn't if you believe the jews.
I don't know who or what I believe.
The other day I was imagining what it would have been like to be Jesus.
What kind of mindset did Jesus have?
Nothing that came out of his mouth was his own--
it was like he was a shell that functioned only to serve God.
I would think that would be quite difficult to do
of course he never complained,
but I think there were times that he wished it wasn't him.
Did he pity us?
I want to ask him.
Maybe one day I'll get the chance.

Broadcast

I have to find them
one by one
they're hidden from me
I know there are people in this city
people like me
I can't be crazy
its impossible to ignore
I wonder if they'll follow
as they did before?
if I met one
what would I say?
we're both the same!
I'd scream at the top of my lungs
they scare me and thrill me
they were searching for me
calling department stores
searching, finding
I slipped away
that was months ago
maybe I'll show them
something they've never seen before
I can do it, I know I can
I just have to focus
I belong in this city
born and raised
I think I'll see the end
maybe I'll be a part of it
but I'll fight
harder than the rest
I'll be a leader
searching for the truth
find me if you can

History

when things get too close
I run
when things get too hard
I run
it's all I know how to do
who's piloting this ship?
I don't feel like I'm in charge
I'll hit an iceberg
sink to the bottom of the ocean
then I won't have to make any more decisions.

Word Association

Generally
when I think about it
I don't care about very much
I don't want anybody dead
I'm not amazingly in love with anyone
and my life is pretty predictable now
it used to be a ball of crazy of course
but numbingly boring isn't much of an improvement
atleast I'm not doing anymore of my driving adventures
getting lost in a city and finding your way home isn't as fun as it might sound
you see weird things though
underage drinkers
drivers with DRXXX on their license plate
I don't think I imagined that one
I remember standing in the parking lot of a kroger at 2am
freezing cold
waiting for something
(I didn't know what)
I'm a cat.
I have nine lives.
This isn't even close to a poem.