Rate of Success

I calculate it slowly
day by fucking day
and it always seems like I'm going in circles
things happen
but not to me

is it sick to wish you were ill with something?
incapacitated, laying in a hospital waiting to die?
a part of me wants that
I can't deny that I would enjoy the attention
I hate that about myself

how close did I get to death?
I really wish I could know
the machines beeped a thousand times
I was monitored and weak
my thoughts were scrambled like eggs
I want that to happen again

but I tried to repeat it and it wasn't the same
all I got was charcoal to drink and a worried mother
I regret being alive in the first place

and it wasn't even my choice
I wasn't given a choice to live this life
God supposedly gave me this great gift
I feel like it's a curse that I have to live out
like every day is just slow torture
I've lost my mind before
if only I could lose it again
that's real freedom
you're not tied down by anything

I don't want responsibility
I want to rot like a corpse
what I want is to die of natural causes
very very soon.
That's what I really want.
So it's not my fault and I don't have to be punished for it.
My aunt's dodged the bullet so many times
I want the bullet to hit me
I'm just tired of living
and I think sometimes I convince myself I'm happy
but the fact is I'm miserable
and I whine because it's the only thing I can do.
I want to make a point.

Home

Home is where
my house is still standing
the back room is ruined
the tree is destroyed

home is where
the power was out
we took cold showers
we sweat like pigs

White Whale

it stacks up on you
the feeling in your bones
you feel like you're losing a fight
there's an invisible enemy
pushing and pulling you along
the things I remember might not be right
my memory's damaged since most of it happened
I still think about it
it's a secret I keep to myself
I torture myself with my memories
I worry about things that might never happen
in a way I wouldn't be surprised if they did

Bashed

Boom crash
and our house falls down
water rises
my house drowns
down comes the rain
washes us away
there goes my city

Telemetry

Telemetry differs from technopathy in that it is a manipulation of waves instead of technology. The user acts as their own internet hub, allowing them to sift through the internet and radio waves with their mind. Furthermore, they can manipulate existing waves and create their own, giving them the ability to communicate with any computer or radio on the fly, regardless of whether it has a working connection or not.

I suppose I can do this, or at least I've been somewhat successful, but I can't control it very well. I changed phones too, so I'm wondering if that will affect my ability to send messages. Only time will tell I guess.

Blank

my mind is empty
cobwebs in there
I have yet to clean it out
one day
I will have a brain
I will make decisions that make sense
as of right now
I fly by the seat of my pants
that's a weird expression.

I wanna see who actually visits this thing

So I put a tracker on the site.
If nobody visits it, I'll make it private again.
Then I can find out if anyone actually reads this shit.

Seizure

And the emotions get to me
it rains on my head wherever I go
and sometimes I feel like I'm going to get sucked inside that void
it's going to eat me up inside
the acid will wear through my stomach
I want to drink antifreeze
lay down and die
secretly

I'm tired

my mind slows down to a crawl
eyes weigh 10 pounds each
I want to sleep
but yet
my mind
screams at me to stay awake

A Brain On Fire

Read my blog about daily life.

Excitement

Just like a sugar pill
it sizzles in my mouth
the feeling of excitement
that rush of anticipation
blows your hair back with it's force

and you wait for more
maybe it's a shiny toy
maybe it will keep me happy for just a little while
but it will make me happy

maybe not forever
I'm distracted
I want to focus on something good
it turns in my stomach
twists like a knife

I'm excited