I Feel

useless
undefined
unfocused

I want to be bold
I want to be a hero
I want to stand up and declare
what I say matters
and I want people to listen

I am

angry
unfocused
introverted

and I don't want to be
I feel like I was meant to be more
special in some way
and I guess everyone's special
but can't one star shine a little bit brighter in the night sky?
and I've been through so much
I feel I deserve to be more special than most

is that so wrong?

Life

one day I'm gonna break these walls
I'll climb over them with ease
and make my way past with no second thought
I'll have no regrets
things to look forward to
accomplishments and accolades
right now
I'm trapped in here
forced to think the same thoughts
forced to go down the same path of self-destruction
and when I think about it
wanting is not the same as doing
and I wonder if I can break down those walls
or if I'll remain trapped in here
beating on the walls
never free again

A Weird Type of Suicide

if I were suicidal
I'd bite into a rotten jalapeno
and hope it was infected with salmonella
thing is
I hate jalapenos

Vanity and Stress

I've been thinking about the day
inevitable it seems
the day that I'll crack
like porcelain again

they'll send me back
to the hospital room
lock me away
pump me with drugs

it looms over me
that shadow of doubt
taints my every move
marks my every word

and one day
when they catch me
I'll wither away
crumble to dust

the wind will carry me away

Time

in these moments
time seems to pass by
slowly and painfully
like molasses
seeping out of the day
and you squeeze out what you can
but when it comes down to it
all you get is
minutes ticking by
as you count down
till the day is over

Tar Heel

it came suddenly
with an awesome force
nearly knocked me over
that's how strong it was
I couldn't feel anything
I was mentally numbed
my voice droned on
my mind hummed with thoughts
and all I knew was
perhaps somehow
I had been changed
it gave my life meaning again
I felt valuable
worthy of living
and those upcoming nights
were the most magical nights I'd ever seen.

Something I realized

A lot of my poetry is bipolar ramblings. I read it sometimes and I can't even follow what I'm talking about. Nobody reads this page and I have no idea how 160 people have viewed my profile (it was probably me) but it's interesting to read how out of my head I was. This blog isn't very reader friendly. I have a hole in my head that all my thoughts come out, and somehow they get onto this web page. So therefore I find a lot of my "poems" to be hilarious. So don't feel bad if you've laughed at them too. They make NO sense. I don't think they have to.

A Fire Inside

What does it feel like?
It feels like larvae in my stomach
twisting and squirming around
there are tingles up and down my spine
goosebumps on my flesh
it feels like I'm waiting for something
some sign
when I know one isn't coming
that ah hah moment
when things snap into place
and it all makes sense
I don't want to try anymore.
I look at the veins in my arms
blue under my flesh
if I cut into them
they'd bleed so readily
but I don't want to die that way
I suppose I haven't given up yet
I'm still drowning in it
fighting the current of my emotions
I guess that's a good thing
people would miss me
where would I go?
Down to hell I suppose
I'd never see Andy again
and that's enough to keep me alive.
That feeling isn't going to go away--
the larvae I mean
they'll keep squirming around
till I completely lose my mind (if I haven't already)
I'm in this hole of depression
this pit of quicksand
and the more I fight it
the more I sink.
I want super human powers
I want to save the world
from what?
I have no idea.
There are others out there
who feel like me
I know they're there
drifting from day to day
I want to find them
have them on my side.
Maybe I can send them a message
one of these days they'll ask the right question
and I'll have the answer for them.
I suppose in a way
that's saving the world.

Trying to find him

he's that needle in the haystack
I'm looking for him
and I can't find him
it frustrates me.
Makes me anxious
I want to drive to his work
and tell him to go out with me
I think he's gorgeous
kind and sensitive
I like him a lot
in fact I think I've always liked him
the other guys are old news
if only I could get the nerve
to ask him for his number
one of these days
I'm gonna make myself up an excuse to go to his restaurant
sit down
and order myself a boyfriend

El-Sike

I realized that maybe this space could be used for something more informative than poetry. El-sike is the ability to telepathically link to machines or electromagnetic devices and communicate with them. I have noticed that around me certain people have gotten strange text messages from an unlisted number that is disconnected. After listening to people talk about it and hearing them read these messages aloud I realized that a lot of them were pertaining to me even to the point of a reference to my father's truck and the fact that I was at the library the day before. All of these circumstances have lead me to believe that I have the ability to send messages to a cellphone with my mind with very little effort. While I have worked on controlling this ability with mild success, it seems to be controlled by my subconscious as I do not know what messages I am sending or what I'm saying. Apparently if you text message the number it will respond and that they also describe what mood the person is in (referring to my empathic abilities). I am very curious to find if anyone else has this ability or something like it but so far the only thing I've been able to find on the subject is the name for the ability and a description of what it is. The name was very possibly coined by Ron Hubbard so that also leaves me a little suspicious. I've no idea why this has happened to me--perhaps the overdose tripped something in my mind? But it has slowed down a bit. At one point I was even followed around because the text messages were telling people my location. I've even been confronted about my ability by several people which leads to the solid determination that I do have this ability and that it will not go away. I've had the ability for approximately 4 or 5 months now and while I used to send messages almost everywhere I went it seems to have slowed down to about 1 a day. I've even sent messages to the police and firemen in my local area. It completely amazes me that I can do these things and leads me to believe in other abilities people may have because now I know that the mind is capable of doing things we previously had no idea it could do.