How Many Times

You can scream without talking
your leaden legs stomp in every room
you bang every door
brazenly waltzing in
as if everyone there were waiting for you
I left as soon as I appeared
crawled in and ran out of your life
like a flash of light in your eye
and you expected it as if you thought
if you saw it coming it wouldn't happen so sudden
but it was like a broken leg
numb for awhile then burning and aching
your heart's in ice while I
try to deal with my emotions
you and I standing face to face
pushing and pulling
expanding and contracting
heart beats racing to drum beats
you're more convincing when you're drunk
rolling around in your stupor
then when you argue your position
sweat at your brow
concentration in your eyes
and you always mean to say something else
something more witty
charming
yet it comes out wrong more bitter than you meant it
you're terribly afraid of being embarrassed
and when I ask to leave the party
you laugh
the last thing you want to do is admit defeat
stumbling back to your old position
I had to carry you home

Prison

It's cozy in here
in my cushioned cage
no light no windows
just darkness inside
I scratch the walls
thick with confusion
my head spins and contorts
twisting and spiraling
deeper into the hole

I lay there in defeat
in the thickening dark
I'd pray to something
if I knew it would work
but the silence becomes me
as I become numb
something lifeless is what I've become

my cage is my home
I stir around
painful aches
and the pills
that calm the confusion
dull my brain down to nothing
thoughtless, emotionless;
a zombie

what was once bright and beautiful
is now dull and dark
lifeless and raw
it cuts to the bone
and rips at the seams

a life is now wasted
colorless and ugly
deformed and disgusting
there's still meat on the bone
but it sags in defeat

Hazard

on my chest lays a thousand bricks
all of various shapes and sizes
fitting together one by one
the weight almost a ton

I'm broken apart like a puzzle undone
strewn about all across the floor
you step on the parts and scatter them more
I wish I could be complete and more
than what I am to you

simple elation divine inspiration
emotion tactile and rough
I feel it rub against my flesh
my body yearns so deep for it

and on a bed of nails I wait
for the hands of time to deliver my fate
will I fail again? will it be too late?
I wonder if I can even fix my mistakes

and of course we fail as we always do
the machine breaks because of one missing screw

Unsure

All I remember
the memories are jagged and torn
like photographs
and if you asked me
if I knew her
I'd say no.
she's getting married
high hopes and presentation
I laugh because I know
somewhere deep inside her soul
lingers a tiny bit of doubt
squirming like a worm inside her belly
and he clutches her like a rag doll.
He owns her
he'll impregnate her
and they'll live dull lives
and when she thinks of me one night
while he fucks her
I hope she wishes it was me

She

lingers in the room
like the smell of cigarettes
so delicate
a flower petal
pink and thin
breakable soul within
those eyes so soft and brown
she covers them with sunglasses
shields herself from everything
I break through
too easily almost
inside the walls she's created
and maybe when she comes back
(as I know she will)
she'll have the answer
I've been waiting for her
I think she knows that I expect her
so she lingers
stalls
makes excuses in her mind
It gives me time to realize its what I want
I want to hold her maybe
let her know I care
I want to speak to her
let her know my voice
she'll find me
I have the sense she's searching
looking for me
its a dream come true
perhaps
to find one person wearing the same armor as I
trapped in this hypocritical mess
the middle world has become
she feels it
that goey center
enveloping all those who dare to touch it
it becomes me
the cancerous feeling
that I think there's nothing I can do
I've been waiting all my life for this moment
where I tell her
that she's my only hope of getting out of this hell hole

A Terrible Mess

You left me in shambles again
little pieces on the floor
rifle through my parts
to find what you were looking for

take your time
nobody notices when you slice a hole in my life
nobody cares when you're the monkey on my back
I'm squirming on the inside
you've cut straight to the bone again

take me to the cathedral
hold me on that high pedestal
I'll jump off again and again
I'm terribly hard to hold on to
I'm air and spirit flying around you

don't you want to control me?
Don't you want to be a part of me?
You can't and it kills you
you've become a monster
a killer
I don't want you
and who you once were
you're not
you've rotted like flesh
unrecognizable
dead

I wish it weren't true
but I'm a part of you
a naked fool in your deck of cards
just waiting to be tossed down on the table
I'm just a mess
a terrible mess
nobody's coming to clean me up this time again

Follow

You are the other side of my coin
flipping in the air
it lands on my side
everytime
it's never fair
and oh you wish that you were here not there
I bet you want to go back
feel your flesh contract across your bones
but you are gone
six feet underground
you're dust and dirt
not boy like you once were
and how I wish to make you whole again
how I wish that I could have you as my friend
to hold captive in my lion's den
your soul slips away like sand in my hands
you follow me to where I stand today
I can't become you I can't be perfect
you died young crushed underfoot
and I remember you
I still do
years after it happened to you
and all I want to do is bring you back
I would give anything for that

Brand New Eyes

When I wake up
I'll fix myself
like an old clock
I'll rearrange myself
I'll see the world
with brand new eyes
and turn on you

when I go to sleep
I'll think of you
and when I dream
I'll walk with you
to the farthest place in my mind

When I speak
I'll speak of you
with faith in my soul
and love in my heart
I will not
fall apart
break down
I won't

I'll remember what you said
live life now before you're dead
you never know what evil lurks in your head
I'll remember it
and when I think of you
what do I think of besides love and fear?
I'm scared of you perhaps
but in a good way
I watch you work
for you it's play
they know all about me now
they know who I am
I'm simply a part of the plan
the greater plan
so I'll take these brand new eyes
and see
a new world around me
with a light evershining
He shines the light for me
in the darkness and the light
I know not where I'm going
but I know when I get there
I won't be alone

Essence

at the core of me
I am nothing
but nerve endings and flesh
bone and blood
guts and brains
the essence of my soul
is thick and effervecent
shining through the darkness
no matter how deep
I'll shine with or without you
at least I think
I'll be just fine
and when it comes down to it
I don't have to see you to know you're there
lurking somewhere
thinking of me
I believe in you
our captivity knows no bounds
but in a sense we're free
living in a different mental plane
a different vibration
expressing emotions in a universal way
through color taste and sound
you're tactile ground
on which I walk

Wounded

I want to lay in fields of wheat
the feeling of nothingness under me
heavenly dirt beneath my feet
I want it to be a part of me

I need the air to fill my lungs
need my eyes to adjust to the sun
brighter than I can even imagine
I need to breathe

I am a car crash
laying at the scene of the crime
skin folding and unfolding
mouth opening and closing
I have begun

I am spinning downward
arms outstretched
I feel the gravity pulling at my chest
the weight on my shoulders falls off at last
I am at rest in the grass

Deep Inside

run your fingers up and down the edge
nick your finger on it
the knife of insincerity
has the sharpest edge you've ever seen
she cuts you deep
slicing
she doesn't want you to weep
she wants you to feel it
its razor sharp teeth
you lay in your blood
its deep red tint
paints your face
and dyes your clothes
the nightmare is real
she did the crime
this time she got away
and all you can say is
"It could've been worse."
she could have loved you
but that would be against the nature of the beast
the taste and stench of humanity
you reek of it
she can't just write you off this time
she can't take you out of her mind
its real to her a dream to you
she wants to feel what's inside of you
wants to curl her fingers into your flesh
breathe you in
you are a cage she wants to live in
it devours her
she desires it
and you can only wait for her
with your colt .45 and your fancy high hopes
she won't bleed from that bullet hole
bang.

Angels

What do you wish to do with me?
My life lies in your hands
tormented as I am I can only wait
for the judgment passed that seals my fate
I live so slowly from day to day
in the hopes that I will find
an angel waiting in the wings
to take me to the light
but when I close my eyes to sleep
the rest doesn't come easy for me
the dreams shudder and moan and scream
am I the only one who knows
the direction that the wind must blow?
My faith has surely made me blind
I struggle to be released from the sins that bind
my limbs ache and tremble in fear
I know for sure the end is near
I'll find that place that slit in time
when rotten fruit grow on the vine
and angels speak not of the truth
but lies that grow right from the root

The River

The river runs deep
curving and twisting inside of me
water that's thick and cleansing
skin that's smooth and thin
veins that tangle inside my limbs

the river runs deep
current strong and overpowering
I try to cross
and I'm pulled along
tumbling and drowning

the river runs deep
goes on for miles
I float and watch the earth fly past
as the river urges me on

I lay back
let the water rush over my head
hold my breath
and let the current pull me under

I hit a rock
the world goes black
and then I know
I am the river
the river runs deep

This Gift

its not normal
to do what I can do
messages lost in time
things that I bring to you
its not human
to have this ability
or is it normal evolution?
this city knows me
as I know its winding streets
they are all amazed
they know so little
things will unravel
in time I'm sure
all the pieces of the puzzle
will fall into place
one day I'll arrive
at my destination
look around and know
that all I did
and all the work
wasn't in vain