What do I believe?

when I question myself
when I look real deep
I see a deep unexplainable fear in me
I'm searching for something I can't see
but yet I need

I have this wanderlust
a desire to roam
I'm a stray dog
without a home

and when I think
of what I've done
made a fake masterpiece
with hope and a gun

I'll bring up a memory
deep in my head
regress back to childhood
before I wished I was dead

bring back that little boy
you used to be
before the steel monster
rolled over you and me

Old spirit

you are my other half
you are my serenity
you are my secret
my life
my everything
you are my sister
you are my friend
my love
my breath
you are my Saviour
you are my faith
my silence
my single escape

believe in me
I crackle like a flame
flint rocks striking
sparks fly by
we'll stay the same
forever bound
guide me again
and again
and again

Blackhaired Girl

You flash in and out
like a memory
distant and broken
yet calling to me
I hear you whisper
"save my life"
I'm fighting so hard now
I feel I have the right
you question my motives
your trust has been broken
not by me
I haven't spoken

I feel your presence
all around
your energy consumes me
blinds me and compounds
till it reaches the point
that I have no choice
I live in plain sight
visible and plain
velvet blankets
brushed against the grain
I see you so clearly
now in my mind
asking me questions
you take me for a ride

I want to sit in your porche
take those lines off your face
I would never use you
or abuse you
you and I are the same
we're both capsized ships
in the same old port
I'll take you to land
sit with you on the shore

we can take it slow
one day at a time
I communicate through other means
you listen all the time
I use my strength to make you see
magic is real and its inside of me

Fragment

My spirit is a hole
wide empty and black
I need something to fill it
to take up the slack

between you and I
there lies an army
of disenchanted soldiers
hoping for a fight

I pray for silence
and utter understanding
of this puzzle that surrounds me
in my everyday life

I speak in riddles
lurk in shadows
I want an answer
that I'll never find

is he out there somewhere
lost at sea?
I can feel him calling out to me
suddenly
he hiccupped back tears
as he looked at me
I walked away
I couldn't do a thing

I want him in my world
this mysterious boy
covered in blue and grey
aura so clear
I want to help him
clear his head

take that shiny halo and
wear it for awhile
where do you go?
when you don't want to leave?
I can feel your ghost
following me

Weakness

its in my bones
this growth
an insecurity so deep
you could never extract it
I look in the mirror
to see a face I don't recognize
so lost in confusion
I suppose its in my eyes
I search high and low
for what I don't know
waiting for signs
from angels in the skies
that may or may not exist
I walk on this plane
try to keep myself sane
my head in the sky
the clouds taste like cane sugar
on my tongue

It Isn't Just Me

I can sense you
feel you
tingling my spine
the urge to complete the work I've started
late but not lost
I want to deliver you
sit for a minute
and talk for awhile
you doubt me so completely
it kills my soul
oleander petals
white as snow
wait for the chimes
that in the silence provides
a distraction against
the deafening sound of silence
sit still and feel
the vibrations of angels
whispering your name
silently pleading
for you to answer
the ghosts of the past
whisper aloud
remember! remember!
awakened now
a quiet voice
answers their pleas
talk to me
talk through me
make me bleed
I am Crystal
I am peace
love
silence
doves
do I amaze you?
I simplify what can't be explained away.
I am the catch-22
that question unanswered
that dream that reveals
those images that cross your brain
do not be frightened
I am here to take you to the other side
of enlightenment
the light
I can free you
take you higher
eliminate wasted potential
Alien mind
open up your door
and let me in
I will hear your prayer
and cleanse you of sin

Dancing

on the verge of a mental breakdown
I ask myself the question
am I real?
I wish someone would tell me who I am
or what I'm meant for
but that's for me to say I guess.
I want answers
tangible answers
for all of my questions
and noone can tell me why.
I want reason for living
I'm a mouth that needs feeding
truths not evident in the government today
I bite the hand
and spit in your eye
don't tell me I'm wrong
justify all your lies
I want to be
no longer trapped in this body.

Drifting

Off into space
revolving doors
take me to your universe
where nothing is adored
I want to be a planet
swirling around your core
your science is so puzzling
you're my worm hole
my personal whore
I have faith in you
like one would have in God
don't let me down
do you believe in fate?
Perhaps you're meant to be with me
sometime very soon
you live so many moons away
I feel as if you're already gone
fading into the atmosphere
you distance yourself from me
I won't hurt you
you understand me
my intricate workings
my layers of sound
I'll stick around

Brother

Do you hear me?
It is I who has welcomed you
into the light of this world
breaking down the barriers between us
giving you silent life
I'm fixing the pieces of the puzzle
finding those I lost before
never again will I walk out of step
never again will I fail to find the divine
I am the broken heart resounding
please take the time to hear me plead
I am not who you search for
I am not who you need
persistent voices tell me
that I am the one
to tear away the walls
strip out all the rugs
I'll make you a believer
pick up the phone

I have

completely lost my fucking mind

Simply Complicated Love

I love you
not for who you are
but who you're not
you could abuse me
and you have
and I'll take it
I'll swallow your lies
and all of your deceit
if only I could have you here with me
you're far away
so out of reach
quietly haunting me
you're the sand
slipping through my hands
and I want you more
than you can understand
I'll sail the sea to see you
I'll break down every wall
you're lost and broken
your memories stolen
and I don't want it that way
perhaps I was a quiet observer
watching it all fall away
you made me cry with your sincerity
but once again
I sleep to the thought of you
you encompass my world
you sing to me through other means
and string me up like pearls
I want to be your everything
you one and only light
you have so many other dreams
I watch them all take flight
can you see a new horizon
I am the distant coast
you are all around me
I'm followed by your ghost
am I the one you love the most?
Don't boast
you won me over
but not for long
tell me something
send me a sign because
primarily I'm just waiting for a line.

Missing

You're like a missing puzzle piece
where did you go?
You've disappeared and reappeared
like smoke and mirrors
where have you gone?
I missed you once
I saw you again
seems we're both at a cross roads
seems we don't know each other
yet we do.

Cards

I own the cards
they're in my pocket
an ace I've used
to break you down
and when I finally
get to the top
I'll thank you
for being another head
I stepped on
to get there

I'm back to where I started
stuck in this place
burning in crimson
you can't catch me
I'm too fucking fast for you

Eyes

Adjust to the sound
of a thousand knives
clattering to the ground
feel the summer
hotter than the last
burning your skin brown
adjust your iris
change your eyes
queen of misery
cast your light towards me
and shame me senseless
I feel dirty
intensely scary
eyes that follow me
I want to chase you down
wait for it
wait for me
would you just slow down?
We're going too fast
you're making me sick.

Breathing

I want to breathe you in
so hold still
lay there quietly
and be real
I want to leave you down
and drag you up
make you drown
and then let you float
I want to breathe you in

I want to fill you up
so close your eyes
I need to let you know
so don't die
hot water can scald
and I can lie
but what good would it do?

Blockade

All these emotions
tumble to me
thrill me
bring me at peace
and I have to give you credit
for what I feel
I'm alive finally
breathing in oxygen
and I give you credit
you make my heart race
every time I see your face

Lines

sketchy plans
laid out
and god said you can
you will
you must
before she dies
is it gonna kill you?
no
because primarily
I won't let it kill you
it listens to me

For You

You make me smile
and believe me
smiling isn't something I do very often

Baby Doll

Maybe I loved you
I probably did
I can't remember
who can tell?
Maybe I needed you
once upon a time
maybe I wanted to
maybe I tried
I wanted something
heavy but soft
you provided
that cushion on which to fall

Far Away Eyes

Implore me
explore me
soak me up like a sponge
I am the pariah
the martyr
that forgotten song
we sing when we're dying
our hearts scream the symphony
silently appealing
to any God that will listen
hear me holler
yell and bother
to explain the unexplained
trapped in a cave
you want the comfort that you cannot afford
I cannot fix you
I cannot save you
you're lost without me
and I'm whole without you
but maybe one day
when my hair is gray
I'll have the guts to say
I loved you once
when you were innocent
when lies didn't spew out of your mouth
were you lying from the beginning?
Question marks the spot.

Dreams

I was a cast away
drifting at sea
casting out signals
that was me
I was the answer
I was the key
to a stupid puzzle
that was me
I was a navy nurse
once upon a time
funny how I
drown in the wine
what happened to me
when I was so small
I remember the glasses
spindle top cases
drowning so simply
I float to the top
remember your president
remember your ghost
the future reminds you
what do you know?

Memory

When I fade away
like a distant memory
who will remember me?
I want to be remembered for my heart
not my mind
as if there were even a question
of where I'm going
and how I'll get there
I want to know
if the grass grows greener
on the other side

Don't Call Me

The new messiah
I am old
wrinkled hands
nineteen years
is all it took
for this pain
to shrink into a box
and fade away
put your hands up
and pray the new way
pray to yourself first
before praying to me
I am my own God
I make my own decisions
the echo of my emotions
the karma that I control
I wish
upon a star
that she'll wake up
and say "Hello"
to the new secrets
that life in a box provides
and I lay here
beside myself
waiting for the moment of truth
when they all realize
it was me
all along
waiting for their thoughts
life is a shell
tiny and small
and what I want is
two people to speak with me
tell me that they know what I say is true
but that won't happen will it
I won't get my apostles
because all I am
in the end
is crazy

Caress

Calm burning hands
caress me
tell me that I'm alright
and you lay there
blonde tresses spread around you
your nightmares make you feel as if
you were nothing but a dream
wayward angel
do you know your path?
it leads to me
I've been waiting here for you
for days it seems
and all I want to know is
will you answer?
will you tell me I'm not crazy
that you feel it too?
wayward angel
open up your hands
let me slide into them
let me hold you
still you wait
telling me you want me to slowly
carefully
enter your eager body
and all you can do
while I fill your space
is tell me
silently
you wanted it that way
I'm going to New York
where the streets don't know me
and the people don't care
I'm gonna get spit on like trash
I want to be
I want to lean into the city
breathe life into it
make it whole
black berry phones
do you want an answer?
yes
I do want you
your soul is so delicate
I want to touch it
hold it in my hands
I want to breathe you in
the angels said
"she is yours"
but who is she?
where does she live?
"far away"
and there I stood
silently waiting
angry poems
the world divides us
I am the warm gulf wind
blowing at your sails
waking up your dreams
making you whole
a capsized ship
crashes into the water
and I'm underneath
drowning

Jesus

Shall we push you in?
Needle in the arm
take her blood
leave her in a room
concrete floors
have her sign papers
have her take a shower
breathing hard
I just want to die
watching porn
waiting for the moment
screaming to get out
suffocating
passing out
overdose!
lay her on the bed
give her an x-ray
make her speak
don't give her water
she doesn't know english
speak to her in spanish
call her jesus
go to a movie
sit in the theatre
have people follow
lay on your bed
stare at the ceiling
wait for an answer
cold hands
gripping
pulling
screaming!
all I remember is
I was in a movie
and they sensed me.

Anxiety

Creeps in like ants on a hill
tingles my spine
turns my gut
I twist
this way and that
indecisive
I get this feeling that when its all over
its only just begun
it makes me sick
does he do this to me on purpose?
cast me aside like a tidal wave
crashing onto the rocks
splashing sea foam
I remember her
and it makes me want to vomit
nervous
willing
but so confused
this love is compacted
easily subtracted
I'm the numbers that fill up the gap
I'm the science that can't be explained away
and all I really am
is love
simply put
I AM LOVE
not in love
not for love
love
individual
silent
a messenger
that speaks the language forgotten by time
silently waiting for the moment
when it all comes crashing down
one airplane at a time

loving her

is like loving a rock
inside its core
its soft
and I feel two sides that pull
like magnets
I'm out of control
spinning down
undeniable
I feel the tug of her hands
the invisible one
that perhaps I missed
the smoothness of her fingertips
on my spine
as I laid out
in paradise

Who am I?

What am I here for?
Questions unanswered
fill in the gaps
broken promises
lies that I told
my good intentions
my heart of gold
its my life
and I live it bold
streaks of color
I know everything about you
all that I need to know

Streaks

the sun is a hole we fall into
black and burning eternally
I laid my back on it
just to feel the sizzle
eternally grateful for the burns on my skin
scars are the only thing left to remind me

as I laid in that hospital bed
needle in arm
heart screaming in my chest
I felt the presence
something there
lingering beneath the surface
I felt my own spirit
torn and anguished
oh how I've forsaken myself
cut my own ties

I live in a tv set
wearing yellow over ironed polyester
sing to me little boy
tell me about the way it was
I want to remember
I want to remember you
it stings like a tension headache
my heart goes one way
my brain goes another
and what does that leave me with?
indecision
and that's just what I've always been
undecided.
I'm not gonna vote.

Like Mint

its just me on this planet
wafting through a sea of empty souls
riding the tidal wave
hitting a wall
and summer can't come soon enough for me
I've stretched out the expanse of my imagination
hoped for the best for this nation
cut my losses and prayed I wasn't too late
stood in front of the magistrate
everything dies
flowers crumple and old women cry
but where do we go?
the lost souls
like pebbles thrown
wafting back and forth
swaying back and forth
do you know who you are?
sorry but you're wrong
you're someone else
just another tv show
players in a game
lets go

How to almost die

overdose on ADD meds
freak out at work
get fired
ride in an ambulance
lay in a comatose state
watch weird tv
get stripped and forced to do brain scans and chest x-rays
wait to die

that would be my thanksgiving 2007